Tonight was the last Orchestra concert of the year. Nicci was crying afterwards cuz it was our seniors' last concert with Mt. Carmel. I thought that everyone did a wonderful job, even those that didn't show up *cough* Melvin *cough*. Conor asked for a ride, and then somehow left without me. Bah! hehe. It's all good, cept we made Matt and his dad have to wait for us, so i felt bad. I dont know what to do about Jordy's thing tomorrow. I don't know if I'm playing at the wedding or even if I can play at the wedding. I'm so confused, and I feel guilty. I went to Tien's house before the concert and got invited to dinner, but i couldn't stay. Apparently they were talking about me. His parents that is, and walter translated for me. I felt so dumb, everyone's talking in vietnamese and i don't understand!! Oh wells. Great times. Today was a great day, *tear* for the seniors. I love you all!!!!

I love this song: (Sade~ By Your Side)

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave down when your down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that

I'll do you right when your wrong
If only you could see into me

oh, when your cold
I'll be there to hold you tight to me
When your on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, your so much better than you know
When your lost, when your alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling I'll bring you home

If you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when your down on your kness
I wouldn't do that

I'll do you right when your wrong
If only you could see into me

Oh when your cold
I'll be there
To hold you tight to me
Oh when your alone
I'l be there by your side baby

I need to get better about updating this thing. I came home tonight, feeling really really good. I went to Joel's confirmation, and saw a lot of people get confirmed, and it was really great. I love his little sister, she's so cool. Then we went to Marie Callender's afterwards with his family and his aunt and uncle, his sponsors. They are a really nice group of people to be with. So tonight was a good night, even with the miscommunication with Sean. The poor guy showed up at my house to take me to Ian Choe's house when I couldn't go because I wanted to be there for Joel. Other than my night, today was still a good day. I got a LOT done. Just a whole bunch of little errands that I have put off for a while now. Got all of them done. Missing Broom Ball right now. Eh...no biggie I'd much rather sleep. Two days ago I got a big surprise from Conor, apparently he got me a gift while we were on our trip, because I had taken care of him so much. *sigh*...he can be nice when he wants to be. Tomorrow night, Matt and his family are gonna come watch the Wind I and orchestra play. I went to go see him play the other night, and Erik Tang made fun of me cuz I was sitting with his family.

Money can make people act wrong. I don't like its effect on people. We should measure the worth of something by love. It's so much better that way. I want to change my surroundings rather than let it change me.

Today was long. The senate meeting had some amazingly rude people. But i didn't get mad at anyone, just extremely frustrated. I was really tired already. And then...yeah. It doesn't help at all. As the day went on though, things got better. Jackie told me about Torns saying nice things about us. That made my day. It wasn't about how we played, he just said that he had never seen a group get along as well as we did. Jackie and I had strived for that since the beginning of the year, and it made me sooo happy when i realized that either our efforts had taken effect, or we just had some wonderful people in orchestra.

I love you orchies!! Memories from that trip include: the booger jelly bean, the gangster video, the Jesus is my Homeboy hat, Joel's rendition of Wind beneath my wings, orchies singing "stand by me" before watching the wind ensemble play, being nurse kim to Conor, painting Conor's toes, pillow fight at 1 am with megan, Maya's walk down the staircase, Maya's striptease, nam spitting in his own face, both my arms falling asleep, Megan coughing to the beat of the music, Mr torns as the lone wolf, Nate Dogg as the alcatraz thug, water guns!!, homeless people dancing for money, Conor's face when he saw two guys holding hands, getting conor onto the cable cars, seeing people's hair early in the morning, Nam and Andrew's false passes or whatever, me holding everyone's bag, sleeping on the grass at "not so Great america", having the lady ask who the disabled person was with conor standing there with his crutches, playing signs (stef is soo funny, she seems shocked everytime its her turn), hearing Nam scream like a girl, meeting Joel's sister, helping Conor with the crab he couldn't eat, being made fun of about my biceps, watching sarah walk as if she had a stick up her butt, going down lombard street (more fun than great america!!), doing the "hobble" as a dance with conor (jk), finding out that Ghiradelli square was just another shopping mall/business place, seeing a guy in bright red speedos at 9AM on the beach (only in san fran), having random ppl talk to me on the trolley, finding out that it wasn't a trolley and that it was a cable car!!!, singing "I feel good" on the way home....

*sigh* twas a lovely trip overall now that I think about it. I enjoyed it.

trip was fun. Sometimes you find good friends in unexpected people, and sometimes you end up finding out that some friends are judging you. Well maybe not judging, but making assumptions about a situation that they don't fully understand, and probably will never understand. I'm tired and I just don't want to deal with it. It doens't matter what others say, as long as I know what's in my heart, and as long as I know how I feel. I hope you guys had a great weekend, I really missed you.

San Fransisco here we come!! Tonight was fun. I did interviews until 4pm, then meg took me out for Pho and Boba..I felt asian...for once. Later, we went to vons so i could get water and batteries for tomorrow. When we crossed the street to get back some old guy was like "oh yeeeaahh" in this deep voice as he checked us out. I personally did not hear the "oh yeah" but megan did. I think she might be lying, but if she isn't...then gross. *puke* Pho was really good, and megan got drunk off of Green Milk Tea Boba. She played herself in connect four and somehow lost. haha jk. but she did play herself. I'm looking forward to the trip, I wanna see San Fran again. I like that place. More culture than San Diego. I've been feeling great lately. Good day. Ya'll should look around and appreciate what you have...don't worry about what you want or don't have...just be content with what you were given. (Kim's daily dose of wisdom..hehe)

I love how people walk up to you and go..."wow you look terrible". Its like...thanks. *forced smile*. I know they are only worried about me. I've been told to get more sleep. The weird thing is that I sleep longer than most people. Yet I'm such I baby, and am totally wiped out if I don't sleep my 8 or more hours a day. I'm emotionally and physically wiped out. Constant critiques by everyone around me. I'm falling, only really slowly. Poor Conor got sick today. so I took him home. It made me feel more useful i guess when i felt like I was taking care of someone. Its the "mommy complex" i think. Sucks. But yeah on saturday it was fun. Morning was the leadership retreat, and that was very informational. Then I went to Old Town with Megan to eat at El Nopal to celebrate her mom's graduating, and receiving her Masters in Nursing. Double woot for her. Then I played at the Faure. It was a LONNG perfomance with lights and heat and stress. But i'm glad we did it, and I'm glad its over now. Afterwards some of us went to the Corvette Diner. Twas fun. It took a bit of effort to get there (including some tears...sorta) I needed the break i guess. Got home and called my grandpa, and got some critique from my dad. (btw critique is a nice way to say my parents chewed me out...not like they hate me way, just like they think i can be a better person way) So sunday morning I get a little more critique before going to tien's house for 2 hours. Got my revenge on him. He didn't have walter that day, so Kelly and I ganged up on him. He and walter and Erik always mess with me lots and lots. But they say it takes three of them to "hold me back...or fend me off"...i dunno. They are fun to hang around though. I went to Anna's afterward to film a movie we were shooting for coach. Man those are sooo funny. the bloopers "you think you know...but you have no idea...a coach's diary" Oh man...its classic!! I got home...tired as heck. Went to my lesson....got some more "critique". Car ride with my dad...more "critique" All I asked is if he wanted to treat others as he wanted to be treated. (there's more to that) But oh man..the response...more critique. But I come to school today, and such great people surround me. They know just what to say to lift me up. (except when adam calls me a guy...now that's not funny!!) I will keep smiling.

Funny how there are people you always help when they are down, and only about half of them help you when you are down. I guess its true, you have to give more before you can receive more.

I shall write about tonight later..for now I'm as conor would say..."pooped"

I'm not mad, I'm disapointed. Last night I came home after rehearsal and it took a while, but when we went upstairs we noticed stuff had been messed with. We got robbed. My mom's wedding/ engagement rings, and a lot of other stuff gone. For the most part I was really happy that no one was home when this happenned. Who knows what that could have led to. But the fact that these people feel they have to steal other people's stuff, really pisses me off. We called the police....and NO ONE SHOWED UP!!! what kind of world is this?? They had my dad awake until practically the next day, not even showing up. We didn't get home until 10:30 so it had to have happenned from 8pm to then. But it shouldn't have happenned in the first place. We aren't even rich...my room wasn't messed with or anything. just becuase it looked too kiddy like. But my ring that my grandpa made me, the neckalce my mom gave me when I turned 10 and I whole bunch of sentimental stuff is gone. Its not the money. I think I don't feel the responsibility of a household enough to really feel the loss of money as something that hurtful. Or maybe its just me. Thank goodness no one is hurt though. I don't even feel safe in my own house anymore. This is so wrong.

Hmm... two days without lacrosse, and yet I'm busy as ever. Odd how things turn out that way. I had a good time tonight. After the Faure rehearsal (which went by really quickly) I took Brad and Rachel and Megan to Tower Records, cuz we needed to stop by real quick. Its right by the mormon temple, and we started talking about Mormons...and the disneyland castle...etc etc. hehe. I like Rachel, and I take back what I said about Brad and his arrogance...sorta haha.

I read Megan's profile and it says "don't worry about falling. i'm here to catch you" how nice. I'm assuming it's for me just cuz her life revolves around me...hehe jk. I know its a general thing, but its great to know that someone's there for ya. Friends are really God's gift to show you that someone always cares. I love you guys!!!

I don't know why, but my head hurts a lot. I actually had a good day. We won our lacrosse game, and overall it was a wonderful day. Cold at first, but really hot by the afternoon...what was up with that? I'd just like to thank everyone who came to our last lax game of the season, maybe my last game if i don't make varsity next year. At halftime, we had a swarm of bees on the field, so a lot of girls just got down on the ground. It was funny cuz I just dove on top of Anna and stayed there. Later on I was in the car with Adam and Nan and Brad.(coming home from orchestra rehearsal) After Nan goes home, we start talking about college, and Adam and I are debating against Brad about UCSD etcetc. I never said anything about CSULB, but he just had to go and diss UCSD...bleh. No biggie. Adam and I won, in my opinion. We hold the same basic values when it comes to this stuff. Life life life...blah blah blah..the bigger picture...blah blah blah. It all really depends on your view of it. You can chose which view you take, its YOUR choice.

I wonder why people are so pessimistic. do they really enjoy being unhappy? I mean, really. If you are always pessimistic, how do you wake up each morning to face a new day? I know this sounds dumb, but I read this thing in spanish last year about a guy that was always happy. He was happy because he chose to be happy and made every bad situation a good one. Thus he was the kind of guy you loved to hate, because you wondered: how come his life is so great? How come i can't be happy like him? Well in reality you can be just as happy as him. It's your choice how you see things in life. You can chose to let things get to you, or you can chose to see it as a learning experience, and not let it eat away your happiness. You have the power to lift yourself up...don't ask for sympathy from others. You can be happy if you just let yourself be happy.

Tomorrow is my last game of LAX for the season. Maybe my last ever....if i don't make Varsity next year. It is sad. Speaking of sad...some people always seem to talk to me, and I get all serious and sad. I need to get more sunshine in my life. Just more songs like "don't worry...be happy!!" *whistling* That's a classic man. There are some wonderful people in the world. They just know how to make you smile, how to make you feel all good inside. Maybe my happiness is just some "allegory of the caves" thing where it isn't really happiness, but instead just an illusion of it. But i'd rather be happy in a shallow way, than unhappy in a deep way. Rose- colored glass...the best way to go in my opinion. I might be "wrong" in some people's view, but atleast I'm happy/content.

AP's are over for me...thanks meg..really No pressure right?? hehe jk. Let me recap on my life so far then. Friday last week was wonderful...I did absolutely nothing, cept my chinese hw. Then on Saturday. my mom told me that we weren't going to chinese school on account of a stupid SARS scare. I dunno. I tried to fight my way through it, but a stubborn mother is really hard to fight through. So I clean the house, and prepare for my lacrosse game against Westview. We won 17 to 5...hotness. I got a nice lil check to the head, but it didn't leave a mark. However I burnt my gosh darn shoulders for Prom. Now ain't that lovely? Prom that night was sooo awesome. I have to say that things worked out perfectly, with pics, dinner, dance, and movie. The movie was good too (I love Ivan's impression of Hugh Grant...though I don't see why he's so sexy...his eyes are all tired looking and stuff) I sort of stayed awake....sort of fell asleep in angela's brother's clothes. (thanks ange) My mommy cooked some good food for the movie time. I love my mommy. Sunday was all about catcher in the rye...i didn't even look at physics. I just read and slept, read and slept. We had a lovely mother's day too. My mom and i had a great convo about life and boys etc etc. It was good. Today we played against poway, and scared them cuz, we coulda won. We lost by one. I thought we played really well. I have to say though, I usually empathize with people for the most part, but sometimes i get tired of empathy because it turns to sympathy. And i hate pittying people, especially when they are constantly begging people for it. I'd rather not pitty anyone, just cuz i always treat others the way i want to be treated, and i'd never want anyone to pitty me, so why pitty someone else? Not my kinda thing. There's a limit i guess. But you need to handle it well. I don't get mad at the person, I just don't give them pitty. I treat them as I would any other day. Some people started to get mad, and talked. Ah! Why can't we all just learn to keep our mouths nice and shut?? You don't know their life, you don't know what's bothering them, you don't know what made them the person they are today. So just stop judging. PLEASE!! I'm not saying that I don't judge people, it's just I keep it to myself. I don't express my feelings with others, because I expect them to see what I know everyone else sees. (I guess you can think of that as being wrong too, but this is the grey area of moral standards I guess) Talking about the person behind their backs is not going to help the problem in any way. If you really had the guts, or the intentions to fix the problem, you'd tell them to their face maturely though. So for those of you who don't want me to think that I can't be myself around you, don't dish your gossip to me. I'd really rather not deal with it...but the people who do that kind of stuff, aren't the ones that I talk to on a regular basis or anything, so Im not directing it to anyone who reads this. Just venting. Don't get me wrong I've had a grat day outside of AP testing...dont ask about that (it was hard). My American Identity speech topic: American's are selfish (b/c of capitolism)_ Besides that, I got speeches, and I got the AP project: teaching integration by partial fractions w00t!! Life is good.

Only one more AP to go...I really have to say thank god its almost friday. I can breathe a little...woot woot!

Long long day. I have too much on my plate. Too many ppl yelling at me from different directions. I messed up again. I think I've lost the respect of a really really good friend. (why do I always screw things up so badly???) Thoughts jumbling. I won't list all of the crap on my list. Things people have said, that confuse the crap outta me...things that i do, and things that other people do. But these are just things, and they cause crap to happen. I really just wanna sleep tonight and not have to worry about waking up tomorrow. [just skip over it] How lovely would that be? It seems like bed time to me. I'm just tired, rest will do me good. I felt so bad, cuz Conor usually messes with me during chamber, and tonight I just flat out said, not tonight, cuz i was scared I was gonna go beserk on him. Man being tired makes me a mean person. (I'm sorry...I feel like a grouch)

I'm not gonna sit here and whine about my AP tests etc etc. To be honest with you, I can handle it. I'll just take it one test at a time. One day at a time, it'll be fine. So for those of you stressing now, you shouldn't. It'll just hurt you more. Get some good sleep and don't think about it. Watch your favorite movie and eat good food. I need to do NHS stuff first. I don't even know how much I want to be in that anyway.

After realizing that I messed up, I fixed things again. Overall, I'm really happy with my life. No matter what happens, I know I have my friends to catch me when I fall or stumble. [Btw you shoulda seen me almost fall over getting a ground ball today...it was funny] I've always thought that if you could see your own flaws, then you could find a way to fix them. But now I know that that's not true at all. I know most of my flaws, but mine will take time to get over. Thanks to those who have stuck with me through thick and thin...and for those who hopefully will continue to do so. No one knows you better than yourself...K i'm sick of this self-analysis crap. It's getting me a little down...i wanna be a ditz and just be happy in my own little shallow world. They never let "deep" things bug them. Let's all live in a world where "world peace" is possible just by smiling and looking pretty while holding a bouquet and waving at a crowd. That's why I love little kids...they don't have that falseness about them. They are so candid in everything they do, it might not be related to "reality" since their imaginations don't let the "real world" taint anything in their minds. What I'd do to be a kid again....graham crackers...finger painting...naps...oh yes naps...

I'd just like to say sorry. I messed up again. I hope that things will work out fine.

Things like life are clear in one aspect, and in others its just mumbo jumbo. People don't really realize how much small things that they do or say can affect others around them. I don't even realize it. The consequences of neglecting or chosing to ignore something are huge. A little bit more caring goes a long way. I guess that's all i have to say.

Yesterday was a long long day. I woke up early at around 6:15 am (hey that's early for me) and I went to the pancake breakfast with Jay before testing for SATs. The test was sooooo long. I hate sitting still for what was it...oh yeah about 3.5 hours. Felt like STAR testing all over again woot! I went to orchestra with Nam, in the pooring rain. We park in the parking lot about a three minute walk from Casa Del Prado. It wasn't raining until we got there. Then we had to walk through the rain and my music and i got drenched. Nam and I sit down and start to play when all of a sudden the sun comes shining through the windows!!! What is up with this? Does the rain just love to make my life miserable? I don't understand. Well I'm officially not in SDYS anymore. Certain people like *cough* David *cough* make me feel really great about leaving. (sorry david) Then my dad takes everyone home just in time for me to make it to One Acts. Those were good. They always seem to save the best for last. I thought that the plays got progressively better as the night went on...then again I might have been getting sleepier. jk. I got home and went to bed actually. Today i get to face another day. But i have that feeling again. You know that feeling like you don't want to do ANYTHING at all. That's how I'm feeling. Too bad I have TONS of stuff to do. Physics...NHS (Do i even want to do that??) and Chinese final to study for. I'd better get crackin'. If i have time I'm gonna stop by the Fiesta de los Penasquitos. But if I don't go. Sorry for those of you who i said that i would come to see. I wanted to be there.

I dunno why, but yesterday night, I couldn't sleep at all. I kept waking up about every half an hour or so. It sucked. Maybe there are things that I'm worrying about that i don't even know about...like subconcious (sp?) stuff. Today was a good day though. I felt like it was sunday...ya know what feeling? Where you wake up and the sun is shining really bright? Well I liked it. Afterschool, I went with Matt to get our stuff ordered for Prom, my hair appointment is set, and we went to the "coyote round-up" at canyon view elementary. I love those little kids. It was really fun, and Matt's brother and his friend (Scott and Johnny) got two free pizzas at the end. Good times. Tomorrow morning is time for SAT's, so hopefully everything will go well. I'm feeling pretty good about the future.