Rinse out that conscience

People who have integrity are those who I truly admire.

For me, I guess it's something I strive to attain, while looking for in the people I consider my good friends. It is:: doing what you believe is right, and not allowing other things to get in the way of your morals. Then again, there are people with different morals, and so they live by different standards.

"Take responsibility for your own actions." We've been told this since we were 5. I practically grew cross-eyed after being told this so many times with a finger pointing straight at the middle of my forehead. Perhaps being told this too many times makes a person not realize the weight of what it means.

Although we have a tendency to look at others before looking at ourselves [just because of our physical build...i mean eyes don't point inward], perhaps we need to reevaluate ourselves more often. Why do we hate self-evaluations so much? Because they force us to look into ourselves and be honest with ourselves. Dang...what a concept eh?

Don't allow yourself to get caught up in enjoying those moments of bliss that you completely disregard other people and other issues. Sometimes it sucks to get used like a tissue. Maybe I need to clear out my view. Although we all see the world through a glass of water [always distorted by bias], when dirt and other muck [like selfishness, anger, and sadness] get in the way, it just makes things way worse. So go grab yourself a new glass of water, and rinse out your conscience while you are at it.

Finally

Finals are finally over and the weekend is jam packed with productive fun! [I don't think those two words can ever be placed together in one sentence.]

Rain is wonderful. Watching from Hilltop, I got to see San Diego go from cloudy sunset to wet and shiny sunset. I love how the sky looks different every time you look at it. And when it rains, it's so beautiful yet cold at the same time. But the coldness isn't debilitating or anything, in fact it's actually kind of refreshing.

Just sitting there watching the rain slowly paint the ground, wet circle after wet circle, is enough. It made me realize that when you spend time with someone you don't have to be "doing something". Sitting there, talking or not, is enough. Being with someone worth spending time with is enough. I love people like that. Not the ones who are constantly searching for "something to do"[which often costs money, and I'm cheap]. It's as if being with me isn't enough, you have to have me plus an activity to do with me.

Strange eh? But perhaps it's easier to be with someone while "doing something". That way you'll never really have to come to the realization that you don't really enjoy being with them, but instead you only enjoy having them around.

I wish I could learn through osmosis. [Gonna go sleep on my book now]

Uh...some other time

Watch me put off studying for gov for as long as my asian genes will allow me. Sooner or later there will be a voice in my head, resembling an old asian woman saying:: Yoo dan weet study? No yoo nat. Muss study mo. Ree ovah whore book? I did nah tink so. Den muss do latt now! [need translation?: You done with study? No you're not. Must study more. Read over whole book? I did not think so. Then must do that now!]

Yes. I have old asian woman voices in my head. They speak to me when I'm talking to boys, or when I'm not studying. Being asian without a penis sucks. It's twoo. Not that I want a penis. Nope. Wouldn't know what to do with it.

Alright the asian lady in my head is nagging like crazy. I guess I'll have to tell you all about my crazy nightmare later on. And yes...it involves your mom.

Mezcan Food

Mexican food gives you gas. "you got any beano, yo?"

The celebration of Chinese New Years is coming. Chinese food beats Mexican food any day in my book. Maybe I'm just a bit biased though. [I just got called a monkey by someone right before they signed off...dork]

Boba, though, is a Chinese food phenomenon. I must admit that I like it, but it's tapioca balls in milk tea. Does that sound appetizing? No. But put a fun name like "boba" on it and everyone wants to try it. Boba actually describes a well-endowed woman's breasts, in Taiwanese. Meaning tig bitties. Asian marketing strategies at their best. Give the people something that they don't have. That's why boba appeals to so many asian women. Sad, but true.

Spit it out

If you have something to say to someone, then just say it. Beating around the bush never does anyone any good. The reason we speak is to communicate, and if you can't even do that right, then why are you openning your mouth?

Speaking of communicating. I can finally call myself a "winner" today. I got first today for my Chinese School's on demand speech. Although I didn't have the hoity toity vocabulary like those kids from Taiwan, I really had something that I wanted to say. I bet the point that I made during the speech can be found summed up in one of my entries. It was about how the Firestorm of 2003 made me realize that we as humans need to be more compassionate on a daily basis. Maybe these journals do have some sort of use.

Laws of Physics

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"

That's my lesson for today. Well not really. It just sort of amazes me how unaware I am sometimes about how my actions really make a difference. I wonder what I'm thinking sometimes. What goes on in my brain? [mwahaha! it has a life of its own!]

The ripple effect has begun. Now one word, one act, or even one thought can effect so much. Our world and minds are so fragile. It's no wonder so many things fall apart, and so many people go insane. But it's like fragile beauty. The way the light shines through cracked and distorted glass.

People in general are often unaware or surprised by their actions. If you make a comment that seems harsh, there will be a reaction. Don't seem so surprised when they actually react. Or perhaps they know the consequences, and just enjoy seeing the havoc they can create. I guess it's a sick pleasure. Beats me yo.

Sometimes

Sometimes I say and do stupid things. Sometimes I don't think before I speak. Sometimes I feel like a bad person. Sometimes I hate the way I make you feel. Sometimes I want to smack some sense into me.

But I always care. And I can only hope that that's enough.

Speaking of Airheads...

The White Picket Fence

Dreaming's bad for ya.

What do you want? Happiness. What makes you happy? Spending time with people I love and care about. So then what do you want to do with your life? Make a difference in other people's lives. How are you going to do that? I have no freakin' idea.

The realization that the "American Dream" just won't do it for me makes me wonder. I have this list of things that I want to do with my life. But I doubt even 25% of it will happen unless I get extremely extremely lucky. So that's it. It's luck. That's all I need. Ah...so the key to life is luck.

Wouldn't that make you wonder though? Who decides who deserves to be lucky and get what makes them happy?

I wish with all my heart that I could spend my whole life surrounded by wonderful people, that I could spend it painting, reading, and enjoying all the beauties in this world. Only a true artist could create the world we live in. Nothing we create, not a single piece of art, can compare to the feeling of true love. I don't mean that mushy gushy stuff. [sorry the 5 year old cootie mentality came back to me] Just genuinely caring about a person.

Maybe the key to life is realizing that you were born with the happiness you've been searching for all along. It's been there since before the day you were born. So the day we die, when it all comes full circle, all the years of our life will combine in one single moment when we realize we've had it all this time.

Just a side note...

By the way...I have a piece of old celery on my desk, and I don't really remember how it got there. Man. I DO need sleep.

Gemini

Two thoughts going through my head::

One was about tonight and my fun Charlie-fied Adventures. Yes. Ghetto cars are the coolest. With praying as the only means of getting the car started, let's just say that the trip "down" from Hilltop was interesting. "oh...it's just a scratch" "oh it's ok. Not like I feared for my life at any moment" [just kidding kiddo]

Nambah Two. As I sat there at Sunset Hills looking around at things that I've been looking at my whole life, it suddenly hit me. You know that feeling you get when you look at something you've seen everyday of your life in a completely different way. Just Bam! it hit me. I looked around, and it was like I had never been there before and I was looking at things for the first time ever. We live in a beautiful world, but we tend to get so caught up in things sometimes that we don't really truly look around and appreciate it for all it's worth.

Monumental Moments

It seems we live our lives for moments. People say that when they come close to death, they see flashes of their life going by. Obviously we don't see a fastforward of all the events, but instead a couple of moments that we have subconsciously chosen to be important to us. It's like a fun little slide show of all those great times in life. How many can you think of?

The Aftertaste

The aftertaste of Winter Break has hit, just like the bitter aftertaste of coffee. You know it's ri-cock-ulous [instead of ri-dick-ulous] when you don't come home until half past nine, and you have just spent about 14 hours at school, minus the 2 that you were at work.

Winter Break did taste great while it lasted, and the high that I enjoyed was great. But now, the bitterness that was disguised under all that creamy surgary aromatic sweetness has stayed way past its welcome. Here it is again folks. This time with a vengeance.

And that was that for "Holiday Cheer"

School is tomorrow, and the thing I was looking forward to most won't be there. Well I meant the "person", but who here's really paying attention to detail.

Now it really feels like the New Year has begun. So here are my ten things that seem worthy of note so far::

1. Disappointment is the sucks. [so not expecting much is always the less painful way to go]
2. School is also the sucks. [Well, more specifically homework is...I'm gonna turn back into Mrs. Hyde]
3. The cold affects your hands and feet first. [so always keep an extra pair of socks and gloves on hand]
4. Before doing anything drastic, always do a self-check. [perhaps some words are better left unsaid]
5. Procrastination is fun. [it's like eating too many krispy kremes]
6. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. [but that also depends on who it is]
7. If you talk the talk, then you'd better walk the walk.
8. Love is still the strongest force in the world.
9. Movies are works of art. [Yep. Even the Pokemon movie...sorta]
10. Take a couple of friends, add some wonton noodles, with some boba on the side, and Jimmy Eat World in the background and VOILA! Instant "good times".

I love you soooooooooo much. Yeah I'm talking to you.

Wake up kids!

I have been trying to do accounts of events lately, but this will have to be an exception.

So last night, or should I say this morning, I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. This lasted until 4am, so I find it amazing that I managed to drag my body out of bed and make my way to work at 8 am. Work lasted until 12, I came home had carne asada fries, and slept. The dream I had was strange but it made sense.

Having no idea who I was with, this blurry faced person in my dream was talking to me. After a while, I found that they were leaving me. I don't really dream in English...most of the time it's just ideas and emotions that I feel. So my blurry faced companion was telling me about trivial things that were making them want to leave this earth. With anger, frustration, compassion, fear, and sadness all mixed into one I started telling this person things that I hoped would save them. I told them to look at the sky, and try to take it all in. Take a look from God's point of view, or if you are athiest, take a look at yourself from outside of the universe. Just imagine how small and tiny our little world is. Our lives are as insignificant as that ant you just accidentally stepped on. Life is fragile. But if it is so short, then make it sweet. Why waste time bickering and arguing over small things that just happen to make life difficult for you? In fact, why waste time at all? Enjoy life and all of its insignificant beauty. [You're right, it's the little things that matter, but make it the good little things] Why waste so much energy and grief on that one tiny thing that is stopping you from loving and caring for that person you know you love to hate?

So I was awakenned in the middle of this passionate plead, and I still don't know what happens in the end. I hate waking up in the middle of a dream, it's like watching an unfinished movie.