Complications. What did Tien say about me? Oh yeah, I'm simple by nature, not simple-minded, cuz that makes me sound dumb. I like keeping things simple. When they aren't, I try to simplify them. Its like that ever-lasting knot: The more you untangle things the more knots you see. I feel like I'm one of those darn chinese proverbs. "yu gong yi shan" The one about this guy with a mountain in front of his house. So he starts takin chunks outta the mountain, and the old man down the road asks him why he's so foolish, and tells him that the mountain's never going away. But the old man who is moving the mountain says that the mountain doesn't grow. so as long as he is persistent, he will be successful. Maybe I just need to be persistent in life. I can get rid of my "mountain". It'll just take time. I guess it's a work in progress, like a lifelong process.

On a much lighter note. Megan showed up at my lacrosse game.!!! I was so happy to see her supporting me, even my mom was there. double Woot! More testing manana. YAY!! (sarcasm just in case you didn't notice) K i'm going to bed

I just got home at 9pm tonight. Torns was kinda peeved at someone...and so am I. they just don't know where their limits are. Its not that cute when we are all trying to get through the music. I'm gonna try to get some sleep...at 10pm. so this entry is really short.

Unfortunately, I am procrastinating a tad here. using this as a reason to not do my physics that's due wednesday. I'm listenning to Coldplay...and enjoying that mood of being just laid back:


I want to live life, and never be cruel
I wanna live life, and be good to you


And i wanna fly
I'll never come down
And live my life
And have friends around


We never change do we no, no
We never learn do we
So i wanna live, in a wooden house
I wanna live life, and always be true
I wanna live life, and be good to you



Yeah...Why can't people just like leave me alone?? Eventhough I might be naive about some things, let me deal with my mistakes on my own. honestly speaking..I'm not THAT dumb. I know what I'm doing in life, you don't have to give me these looks like "oh look there she goes continuing to live in her own little world...thinking she's happy, but she'll see..." Who really F-ing cares?!?! It's my life. If you knew me better then I'd be ok with it. But you DON'T know me. The people who DO know me well enough reassure me that I should do what I decide is the right thing. They don't judge, at all. They trust in my decisions. And if they had anything to say, they'd make sure i knew that they were just looking out for me, not judging me and the values that I hold for myself. In reality, you are just making it harder for me to live my life and have a normal relationship. I try to ignore these things, but they do hurt. I wish people would see how much this really bugs me. I dont have to explain myself and my relationships to every gosh darn person in the world. I also have an identity aside from who i date. I don't have to know where they are all the time, and I don't have to know what they are doing all the time. How am I supposed to answer the question: how are you and matt?? Oh we're fine...that's good to hear. etc etc. When in reality, its none of their business in the first place. I'd tell you if I wanted to tell you about how we are. but it's not your business, why do you ask?? Why not ..how are you doing? I mean you ARE talking to me, not to me and Matt. I am a person on my own. I have a life aside from my relationships. I think this all feeds into my resentment towards gossiping. I guess all this bad stuff happenning around me, forces me to just not do what I see others doing to me. In the end, everything will turn out fine. Once highschool is over, I can avoid this petty gossiping and judging more easily. thank goodness for awesome friends! I dunno where I'd be without you guys

I have finished my junior paper!!! Yay for me. and thanks to nan for helping me. today I spent most of my day at home alone. I finally did some of the things that I've been trying to get myself to do. Like clean my room...etc. I just realized that the way grades are going...i'll still get a 4.4. I'm happy, but i dunno if my parents will be. that means an average from freshman year of...4.2?? No idea. Who really cares?? I wanna be a doctor though..so it might matter. Darn! Why do the things I do now have to impact on my future..I dont understand. People make me feel like if i make a mistake now, then I'll end up as a bum on the street. Doesn't anyone ever get a second chance? I guess not. I always ask myself..what if I died today? What would people say about me when they looked at my life? Oh she had such potential to do great things...or she DID some great things?? I guess its all about that carpe diem stuff. Sounds so great in theory, but you get lost in everyday life so easily that you just kind of end up running with your head down ya know? And carpe diem starts to make you act without thinking about consequences, when the reality is that you DO have consequences to deal with afterward. I hate balancing between "living for today" and "planning for tomorrow". I guess I'll live.

During Chinese school today, we had an on demand speech like we sometimes do. Topic number one...when you and your parents fight, what do you do? And topic number 2 What do you think about learning chinese? I realized that I'm not that good about expressing myself when it comes to deeper thoughts and ideas. Atleast not in Chinese. But I did alright, even with the camera in the background. I find out that SDYS is a whole 2 hours and 15 min shorter than usual...which is good, but then again its bad. I don't really get into the music ever. Then I don't get to talk to my friends that i don't see at school. John smelled like a cow today...hehe. He had a leather-ish jacket on. He told me i was weird...but then again. Who isn't?? I can't wait till next friday, if everything works out well enough, it'll be a good friday. Crap its the friday before SAT's...hm...i wonder if my dad will still let me do what i want to do. This is stinky. Why does school always have to get in the way?!?

What happenned today? Honestly, overall, it was a good day. Though I wonder if something will happen tonight. I have nothing interesting to say, except: A mi no me gusta la clase de espanol porque quiero estar en periodo 4 donde estan mis amigos. Voy a llorar. For those of you who don't "hablar espanol": I don't like my spanish class because I want to be in 4 period where all of my friends are. I am going to cry... I think my grammar sucks, I write spanish as well as I can speak it. Oh yes... I'm excited about prom, and in some ways, excited about maybe being kicked out of SDYS. My dad's gonna talk to them tomorrow. He's using crutches right now, and he's hoping that'll earn us brownie points so I maybe just get pushed back to the first violin section. The only reason for me to stay would be John, and Nan. Since those are almost like my only friends that I can talk to and hang out with while I'm there. Wierd how i just kinda connected with John, he's easy to talk to...too bad I haven't seen him in a while. Turns out I do have things to say...

Some people know exactly what to say at exactly the right time. I love how sometimes the smallest thing that a person can say or do puts a smile on your face and makes you happy. Thanks to anyone who has ever made me smile before. (Although sometimes i get told that I smile ALL the time...if you really know me, its not always the case.) Ok megan's coming over to see my prom dress. I shall most likely be back with more...or maybe i should sleep...nah. who needs sleep anyway?

I found my prom dress. Thanks to the constant nagging of Kelly...Prom's in like two and a half weeks hun..you'd better be quick. So hah! Poo on you...jk. (I'm looking forward to prom)
Megan..if you read this. Slap me if you ever see me do something to pumkpin head that i shouldn't be doing. Just hit me hard. But yeah. I think that "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" and things are going great. I mean I've decided that instead of trying to block all the bad around me, I should just add to the good. Or atleast try. Positive energy is just go contagious, hopefully I'll make some people realize that saying good things feels much better than saying bad things. So go out and say something nice. Like tell your mom you love them, let your sibling know you care, and let your friends know how awesomely cool they are, and how happy you are to have been able to have even met them. Make this world happier. I think we really need it.

Today was long and really hard to get through. My mind's all a mess right now and there 's soooo much going on I'm gonna implode. I hold it in more than I'd like to. I guess that's why i got this thing. To "reflect" ...whatever that means. So let me clear my mind. Lets start with the beginning of today. I wake up way late. (7am -ish??) and I come to school with sleep marks all over my body. That's ok though. The spanish midterm goes alright. I almost fell asleep again. I go to testing. Testing is fine. It's what happens after that started to get me thinking. SOMEONE said something to me about my actions and how I did things that i never knew i did. And that got me thinking about what i do and why I do it. Like being more aware of my actions. then at the lacrosse game. a person came to me to tell me everything i needed to know about drama with a person that I'm close to. And i want to trust this person, but with people constantly telling me these things....i can't help but second guess myself. Then girls were talking about people on the team really negatively and I just sat there listening...I should have said something dangit!! I kinda told them to stop, but it still continued. I mean maybe I'm naive...but whatever happenned to "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!!" don't be fake please, but then again don't disrespect other people behind their backs. Ok so that's for my emotional stress. Physically I'm tired from lack of sleep, I got hit in the nose with the ball really hard, then the head, then I got cut, and rammed a few girls a few times. I'm sooooo exhausted emotionally and physically. Megan to my rescue...she and Angela truly are great friends. This friendship is truly one in a million, I love you guys!!!!

This is my first blog entry...but right now everyone's in a scramble to figure out Prom. I'll bbl. like tomorrow maybe