I'm so glad it's raining....

Pennies from Heaven ~Billie Holiday

Oh every time it rains,
it rains pennies from heaven
Don't you know each cloud contains
pennies from heaven?
You'll find your fortune
fallin' all over town
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love,
you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder,
don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven
For you and me

I wanted to help the fire victims [all I've done is prayed...but i wanna do something], but my parents aren't exactly the type to let me go and do stuff like that. In chinese it's called letting your heart go..literally translated. In actuality the phrase "bu fang xin" really means not feeling comfortable letting me go out there to help out for safety reasons. So I'm left with the boring task of entertaining myself. The first day...I tried to sleep myself to death. I kinda figured it became pointless when I was full of sleep. So full that instead of a stomach ache from eating too much, my body ached from sleeping too much. I went out today on my pointless journey of getting my costume for halloween. I wanted to see the kids on wednesday...but it didn't seem like i was going to see them at all this week. My boss called me telling me that there's no school or ESS until monday. I was sooo sad. I wanted to take them to the zoo and all that good wholesome fun stuff. So i'm gonna try to make the best of my time. I just feel kinda trapped for the most part. Played jenga by myself, and i got a lot of reading done. The older I get, the more i enjoy reading. Although i'm still a slow reader. It keeps your brain moving. Yes..it does. i don't want to become stagnant. Never a good thing. I just want to say to those of you who ever have, do or will consider smoking as an attractive habit...just go outside and try to breathe for more than 5 minutes. Yeah. Good times?? I think not. So be smart and don't start. I'd hate to have an ashtray as a friend anyway.


[I wouldn't hate you if you smoked..i'm not biased or anything. I just like it if my friends wouldn't die of lung cancer the way that half of my family already has or will]

I feel like silly putty. I'm being stretched all over, and I know there is a breaking point that I'm just about to reach. So many things to think about. so many things to dream or hope for. I'm in a hundred places at one time.

hm...The idea of having a hole in your stomach kinda scares me. I don't know. Maybe I am stressing a bit. I have stomach aches whenever I eat almost. Maybe I should stop eating?...No i'm not crazy. I might need to get in shape [whatever that means] but I don't think that not eating will help that any. My parents think i'm some sort of party animal. Etc etc. It's ok. I know what's really going on. Life is soooo enjoyable when you have time for it. I have more reason to be upset than to be happy, and yet I can still somehow find reason to smile. But I do have to say that this last week has been a lot of fun. Glowing waves at the beach, and I saw my first shooting star!!! I know...I must be retarded to have never seen one before, but sometimes things have been there all along, and you just never looked for it. Funny how it works out like that. Life is a game of chance. Scary thought eh?

The more things change, the more they remain the same

I never used to get that. But i dunno today, it just feels right. It's one of those things that you can't use logic directly to figure out. Atleast not for me. I'm so worried, there are so many things for me to think about, and yet I can't do anything about it. Everything is happening, and i feel like I'm watching a train wreck happen in slow motion. Slowly and painfully. It makes life feel like Chinese Water torture. Everyone gets older, everyone changes, everyone matures, and yet the whole effect of it is...nothing. I guess living in the moment, is all we can do. It's not like we have a choice. Everything is ephemeral. Happiness, sadness, good and bad. Enjoy it while it lasts I guess. "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today" ~James Dean [I think] We can plan all we want, but really in the end...everything is for that one moment of bliss. But that's only a moment. Don't get me wrong. There are things that are long term. But that depends on your definition of a moment. In the big view of time and history, a moment could be your lifetime. The more I think, the more I feel like many of the things that I do aren't that significant, and yet at the same time they are. So I guess everything is relative. Sucks eh? Half empty or half full? I dunno. You be the judge.

I just watched Hero with my family. It's a chinese film and it's awesome. That's all I have to say. I can tell it's one of those movies that you can watch again and again. Visually, there is so much put into the aesthetic part that usually the content would suffer. But in reality, the content is just as good. The plot is complicated, but not in that corny way, where you know the guy who wrote the story is just trying to take up more time. it's very well thought out and thorough. The colors...it's just so nice. I consider film-making an art, if it's done right. The painting world...I sometimes worry about. But my faith in films that have artistic value hasn't been misled so far. Maybe i'm just too big of a fan of colors and their symbolism. [if you see the movie you'll get what i mean] But I have to say that the movie is very inspirational. So in other words....good times.

I know my calculus...it says you plus me equals us

Calculus @ 11:30pm causes your brain to do some really weird things. I think i pulled a brain muscle last night.

Either I'm mistaken, or they are mistaken. I don't know if people read this, and automatically think that i'm talking about them. I hope not. Unless it's a good thing. Anyway, it'll pass I hope. I might be totally mistaken about a remark someone made in their own blog.

It's scary to be happy to the point where you are almost dependent on that happiness. Maybe it's not too healthy. Putting too much of yourself at stake for another person isn't safe. And yet...it's ok. [i give up on trying to explain all this mess that's in my head...maybe i'll try again later]

Yep...I'm grounded for two weeks. I've never been grounded in my life. If you ask me what I did. I can't really tell you, because I really don't think that there was one thing that set it off. I guess being inconsiderate in my parents' eyes was the reason. I'm not really at home that much, and I almost never get a chance to talk to my mom. They can't really see me being considerate. And I don't get much chance. I'm not the perfect kid. I know. I want to be, but I'm not. I don't mind not going out for two weeks. Honestly, I don't think I go out that often anyway. I'd rather stay home and sleep.

There might be something bothering me, that I can't figure out. For some reason, I've been waking up a lot in the middle of the night for no reason. I hate note being able to sleep well. Perhaps it's this parents and college thing. Where am I gonna be in a couple of years?? or even in like a couple months. If you think about it that way. I might not want to stay in SD...maybe I'll go a little farther away. It's funny how Dorr wants me to "find my soulmate" in college. This year, my teachers are just awesome. It makes it much easier for me. If I don't gain anything else this year, I hope to gain a good education. [I know..I'm a nerd and a dork all rolled into one]

One thing that I know has been bothering me, is when people are blindly being stubborn. They don't listen to the advice that their friends honestly give them, and they just keep trying to make things the way they want it to be. You need to realize that it's not always gonna turn out the way you want it to. Sometimes things aren't always gonna go your way. They say they want others to be happy, but inside it seems that their happiness is all that matters. To get things to be the way they want, they start doing things that may hurt other people along the way. [oh well. I guess it's just collateral damage] They befriend people insincerely, just to get a step closer to where they want to be. I mean, if I'm being honest with you, the least you can do is be honest with me. Decieving people will just end up biting you in the butt. So don't sweet talk me into helping you out. I'm not gonna do it anymore.

Get me outta here!

There is always a calm before the storm...but what if there's never calm and it always seems like a constant storm? What do you do then? You do what I do, and ignore it all. It's so easy. Just take a deep breath and it all goes away...for that little while. "I don't care"....it helps. Luckily some relatives are coming in soon, meaning less attention on me. I'm not even at home that much....i don't know if I like being at home that much anymore. Maybe i'm just a moody whiny person. I'm always so inconsistent. My answer to everything is..."i'm tired". But everything has to be done "right now" and I only have so much time in a day......just a couple more hours.... i don't remember what school, but some university was like "if you come here you have to choose two outta your three choices: a life, school, and sleep" So maybe I should just cut out sleep....pshyeah right.