Uhh...Like. It's the last day of 2003

I'm not gonna waste it...are you?

Just to let you know...

you boggle my mind!!!

Spick and Span

Cleaning can be really therapeutic. My idea of home has changed in the last couple of months. It's sort of hard to explain my thought process and emotional metamorphosis. I've decided that putting more into something should mean that you get more out of it. Good or bad, it's still something. Saying that makes me sound all high and mighty, I know, but I'm not saying that I had some sort of amazing moment when everything turned around for me. In fact, I'm still in the process of figuring things out.

There are tons of people around me that i can take in from, and yet I only choose to let a handful of them into my tiny strange world. Letting them in involves huge risk. Sometimes, I let people in, only to find that I have to push them out again later. But with family, you can't do that. You were born with them in your strange world, and you in their strange world. It's a heartbreaking yet wonderful thing at the same time. It puts all of you in the position to rip each other to shreds while at the same time being able to save each other's lives. You feel as if you can't live without them and as if you can disregard them [and their feelings] at any moment.

My grandma once told me that her children were like the fingers on her hand. Although they differ in length, it hurts just the same if you bite any of them. Every relative and family member is different. It often feels as if one person may deserve more love than the other, or that you deserve more love than someone else does. But in the end, family is family. You are connected by blood and through your ability to let one another into your own strange world and be brutally honest or just plain brutal to each other.

Are you afraid of the dark?

I think I'm afraid of being alone. Weird isn't it? I strive for most of my life to become as independent as possible, and yet I don't like being alone. It comforts me to always have someone around. Dang it. I'm a wuss.

Ok that's the end of that.

Santa Claus is coming to town...

This year felt good, because for the most part, all my presents that I gave people were really thoughtful. Especially for my brother. Well actually for him it's like manipulative, cuz he never really reads. So my way of trying to get him to read, is to buy him books for Christmas. I guess I'm weaning him from comic books and autobiographies of people he likes, to actual novels and such. I'm a sneaky sister I know. I've gotten some good stuff this year too. Thank you. Even those of you who haven't given me tangible presents, believe me I've gotten something from you. (yes I've taken a little part of your soul..mwahaha. Jk)

I made Christmas dinner, and everyone liked it. It was a success!! Crab Cakes and some potato-cheese thing I made for appetizer. Cream of mushroom soup, and salmon. I made this coffee creme pie, but it hasn't been touched yet. We are all too full. One of the few dinners I've been able to have with my whole family in a while. My grandma still has a great sense of humor, even at 84. I can still make faces at her and she'll make em back. It's cute.

"I love you. For sentimental reasons"

Run for cover..cover...cover!

Verbal arguements are tough. It's like banging your head against the wall. Half the time, your point never gets through and the other half of the time you are spending too much energy defending yourself. It's so pointless.

Sometimes I feel like there is someone shoving my head into a toilet, and the moment when I'm about to drown, they yank me out. Then just as I draw half a breath, they shove me right back in. Kinda harsh I know, but that's just how it is sometimes.

It's interesting how you can be thinking one thing at a moment and then all of a sudden the exact opposite thought is going through your head. Getting yanked around hurts.

My mind also wanders too much. People wonder why my thoughts on these entries never make sense. I guess it's cuz my mind is like the dragon fly in this one chinese proverb. It's supposed to be a bad thing to be like this dragon fly since it spends its days landing intermittently and never staying in one place for long. That's like my mind. I never stay in one thought for long enough to really think it through and I just jump on the the next thought.

My favorite winter time movie aside from "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

I dunno what it is about this movie. I haven't seen it since elementary school, and even then it left such an impression on me. Maybe this is what I want for Christmas...I'll end up buying it for myself most likely.

Some things never change

I love how some things never change. There are always a couple of things in life you can just count on no matter what. Sometimes in life you feel like you are rock climbing. While you're up there hanging on for dear life, those safety harnesses can really come in handy. It's those moments when you realize that you have safety harnesses you can count on no matter what. They reassure you that no matter what happens in life, you won't come crashing down to a bloody fate.

You know you have a great friend when you just happen to get a chance to sit down next to each other and talk again, just like you used to. Just like when you used to sit outside your door step talking while waiting for the sun to go down then watch the street lights turn on, wondering when your parents were gonna pop their heads out and tell you to come back home. I don't think they really realize this at all.

These are times when you wonder all the "what if's". What if you were never blessed with the chance to meet certain people in life? They've had such an impact on who you are today. How would you be different if you had never met them? Dang. Things could be so different. I could be so different.

Thank goooooodnessss. It's break ya'll. I'm not gonna waste anymore time here. I'm going to play and sleep.

Don't expect a real post for a while.....

One Day God Looked Down and Said....

There are some crazy people out there.

Stop having sex....

The world needs to stop having so many kids. Let's be like Thailand and hand out condoms and birth control pills...and have free vasectomies. Scary eh? We aren't that crazy but....ya know. It's just crazy to think about life on a grand scale. All these things that we think matter...really mean nothing at all. All these theories, ideas, and structures that we fit into don't make any sense when we see things in a large sense. So when people say "think big". Don't. I don't think it's good for your mental health. We somewhat depend on our own narrowmindedness to keep our own sanity. If we are really always thinking on such a large scale all the time, I think we'd have people committing suicide left and right. Then we'd all die off, and who would really care? See! It's not good for ya kids.

For your own mental health...you gotta think small. [don't go for the big burger you can't eat, just settle with the mini one they give you at Mc Donalds...yeah the one that looks like they got someone to sit on it for a day]

Ok...So It's Late

Sometimes I think sanity is overrated. Haha. Just kidding.

For me...this is really late. Unless my family suddenly decides to go on a midnight run to Denny's. Yeah, it happenned. This is why I love my family, and blame them for all my weird traits. My dad told me the other day that every family sort of has its own culture, its own set of values and funny little quirks. People on the outside looking in can't really see it all, and understand it all. It's amazing to see how people start to treat eachother when they are together for so much time. We often disregard the other person's feelings, thinking that since we all know eachother so well everyone will understand. It's this misconception and assumption (seen as a convenience that comes along with knowing eachother so well) that creates so many problems sometimes. No family is perfect. People aren't made to be perfect. I figure the reason why we tend to see the rough edges of those we love most, is because we are so close to them. So the more you love, the more it hurts I guess.

So we revisit Mommy Theresa once again::
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."

Xie Dan made me do it...I square!!!

Your Existing Situation

Working to improve her image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes. Wow I must be manipulative.

Your Stress Sources

Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation disagreeable. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally herself and make herself more secure. Her sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for her to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs her as she regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, she feels, can she withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for her personal qualities. *ahem* "sensual self-restraint" See! I'm not a Ho! No more Kim Yu-Ho!

Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels listless, hemmed in, and anxious; considers that circumstances and forcing her to restrain her desires. Wants to avoid open conflict with others and to have peace and quiet.

Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful
to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes. Dang I'm selfish

Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner. Ouch...sorry ladies, well just Tesia. I kinda prefer men

Your Desired Objective

Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging. No drama...that's me

Your Actual Problem

Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

Your Actual Problem #2

Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security. Like sleep...

I know I am...but what are you?

Life is Beautiful

Life is beautiful when you have enough time and enough peace of mind to enjoy it. Too bad it rarely happens anymore. Maybe lacking time makes me appreciate it more. So it's true, everything is relative.

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