Rationing Kindness

It has to be much simpler than this, much purer than this, much clearer than this.

Relationships of any kind used to be so much easier when we were in sandboxes and sneakers. Yes there was jealousy, fighting over toys, and maybe some name calling; but most of what needed to be said was said.

It may be idealistic (or naive) of me to think that people can just appreciate one another's company without having any ulterior motives, but I can't help but hold out hope for that ideal. I hate to think that I have to ration out my kindness and friendliness because of what intentions this may reflect on my part. Suddenly there are lines that I cannot cross, things I hesitate to say, and rules I have to follow.

If this is what growing up is about, then I want no part in it.

and I'll gamble away my fright...

Well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile
and I'll gamble away my fright
and I'll gamble away my time
and in a year, a year or so
this will slip into the sea
well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile

~Nantes, Beirut

This, I think, is my mid-semester crisis. Perhaps it is all this talk of elections, future, hope, and most importantly change.

Many of us have hoped to save the world one day. Sitting in a class with plastic chairs- feet dangling an inch away from the ground- and believing that reading the next chapter of this awesome "Goosebumps" book will somehow indirectly equip us with the knowledge and skills to change our world. We were so young and already we were taught to have lofty dreams and seemingly unreachable goals.

Here I am, 22, and still feeling the same way. We sit in class (some we don't like) pretending to debate things that matter, things that count. And they do. But talk is only useful if it incites action, and prudent action is the only thing that can create lasting change for the better. I've come to the conclusion that I may not be able to "save the world", but I can find the one thing I am passionate about and pour myself into that. Now to figure out what the heck that thing is...

Crossword Clue: "Mind blowing!"

I think I've found my new love. Wycliff Gordon was amazing last night (Dizzy's Club at the Lincoln Center).

There's really not much to this post. Just that the words "mind blowing" were the only things that could have been said. Worth it. So worth it.

Also, Halloween was quite the experience. Had a blast! Thanks to NY and some awesome people.