en ami

Your universe mostly devoid of matter too?

2009-04-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

"If in touching their skin we are touching the void, why does it feel so complete?" ~Natalie Angier, The Canon

Being in this city has opened my eyes to the nature of human connection. Increasing the density of people surrounding you and increasing the number of interactions with other people does not, by any means, increase the number of actual connections made. Obviously there is no scientific algorithm for friendship (as much as Sheldon from Big Bang Theory would like to believe there is). So many people come to this city in order to "find themselves", and yet in a strange but cliche turn of events, I think that I've had to maintain a vigilant awareness of my goals in order to not get swept up in the swaying of the masses.

I really should be writing my paper right now, but because of a failed "free wifi" hunt, I opted to read a bit and enjoy an iced Spanish latte in the sun. Solitude with so many people walking/talking around me used to feel so strange- and it still does, but to a lesser degree.

Note about the quote | Natalie Angier is one of my favorite contributors to the New York Times Science section. Her ability to cross the worlds of all six Nobel prize categories demonstrates a rarely seen well-coordinated crossing of the brain hemispheres; one in a myriad of traits that I wish I could embody.

Dear Life,

2009-03-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

You're breaking my heart.

(1) Nothing is ever fair in life.
Aside from social justice issues in the world, there are just some things that I think are truly unfair. Bad things happening to good people and vice versa- not that I'm any authority on what is "good". I used to think that there was some sort of justice in the world and that I just haven't been able to grasp the long-term consequences of today's minor-offense criminals. I'm not talking about breaking civil law, just simple disregard for fellow human beings. The few promoters of egalitarian thought are continually competing against the immediate consequences, the current needs, and the selfish tendencies that drive innate human instincts and self-preservation.

(2) That's it!
With my usual rants and criticisms of the American socio-political climate, I usually have a hard time putting my finger on what I am so frustrated about. And then it just comes out- surprisingly, during a conversation with my roommate (who is learning English and acquainting herself with American culture). Most American citizens can trace back to ancestors that voluntarily immigrated to the United States in order to realize the potential this country has to offer. And now for the realization: After all these years of incredible development, this country has yet to realize its amazing potential. What are we doing with incredible resources, diverse cultures, and the greatest minds of the world?

Instead most in this country get sidetracked with recreation and how to spend that "disposable" income. I say "disposable" because it is anything but disposable in my mind. I'm not saying that you can't spend some money on yourself, but when did regular spa treatments become necessary for a stress-free life? Those $5 you spend on coffee every day- set the equivalent aside for a month (if you can afford it) and do something with it. There are tons of organizations that do great things with your extra money (e.g. Kiva).

Check out what the developing world has been up to with its money. (*I haven't checked their data collection methods, but most of it is intuitive)

I don't care for fancy things...

2009-02-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

"I don't mean to seem like I care about material things like a social status
I just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls"
~ My Girls, Animal Collective

Although I would like to think that I could live outside of the "material world" (I'm channeling karaoke and Madonna), it's really not as simple as it seems. I stress on a regular basis about how to pay for things- the necessary and the "unnecessary". Yet the unnecessary are often, in my opinion, pretty much necessary for my happiness and existence as a human being.

I think that I will always continue to work to carve my own path out of this nice system that society has created for itself and its participants. I'm not willing to remove myself from it and live "off the grid", but it gets tiring to maneuver through it, and at times, I really just want to succumb to the pressures. I think- no, I know- I'd succeed in the "corporate world", but aside from the comfort and stability, it really has never appealed to me.

Am I willing to give up some of my own desires for a bit of relief from the stresses of the "real world"? Not too sure. It's a slippery slope. Job after job can inadvertently become a career. I've always been involved in this intricate dance with fate; allowing chance to bring things into my life while working to consciously choose which doors to walk through and sometimes, figuratively, which windows to peer through.

I don't know if I've just convinced myself that I've out-smarted the system or if I'm just a victim like everyone else. Perhaps ignorance is bliss.

Granted we known each other for some time | It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

2009-01-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

Screen time keeps taking up more and more of our lives. Television screens. Computer screens. Cell phone screens. All of varying sizes and content, but nonetheless growing in their allotment of time in our day. (Ironically, I'm immersed in my "screen time" as we speak)

Lights, colors, images. These are all meant to bring excitement, a certain allure to the things we come into contact with every day. We are so caught up in a culture of sensationalism that our frame of reference is becoming narrower and narrower. Our nearsightedness regarding our actions has created a society in which it is acceptable to be impulsive and react instead of act with prudence and forethought.

We feel the need to have multiple sources of input at a time. Tickers running on the bottom of our screens. Scanning and skimming instead of reading. It's not surprising that we find more and more emphasis on image and presentation over substance and content.

It's a beautiful day today. I think I'll go and take a walk outside.

I can't stand it anymore!

2008-12-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

It is "definitely", not "definately".

As the fire alarm goes off...

2008-12-24T15:50:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate!

I have finally felt the true stress of the holiday season and also some joys. Shopping, once a relatively enjoyable pastime, became the most painful task I could think of; not because I don't enjoy giving presents (believe me, I get more excited about giving than my receivers) but because of the time constraints, the elusive task of finding the right present, the long lines, and the parking.

But in the end, it is the holiday season and I love to place well thought-out gifts under the tree for my family and loved ones. And for those that don't celebrate anything at all...winter wishes!

Now I'll have an order of home cooking, oh and hold the kitchen fires please.

Rationing Kindness

2008-11-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

It has to be much simpler than this, much purer than this, much clearer than this.

Relationships of any kind used to be so much easier when we were in sandboxes and sneakers. Yes there was jealousy, fighting over toys, and maybe some name calling; but most of what needed to be said was said.

It may be idealistic (or naive) of me to think that people can just appreciate one another's company without having any ulterior motives, but I can't help but hold out hope for that ideal. I hate to think that I have to ration out my kindness and friendliness because of what intentions this may reflect on my part. Suddenly there are lines that I cannot cross, things I hesitate to say, and rules I have to follow.

If this is what growing up is about, then I want no part in it.

and I'll gamble away my fright...

2008-11-04T08:10:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile
and I'll gamble away my fright
and I'll gamble away my time
and in a year, a year or so
this will slip into the sea
well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile

~Nantes, Beirut

This, I think, is my mid-semester crisis. Perhaps it is all this talk of elections, future, hope, and most importantly change.

Many of us have hoped to save the world one day. Sitting in a class with plastic chairs- feet dangling an inch away from the ground- and believing that reading the next chapter of this awesome "Goosebumps" book will somehow indirectly equip us with the knowledge and skills to change our world. We were so young and already we were taught to have lofty dreams and seemingly unreachable goals.

Here I am, 22, and still feeling the same way. We sit in class (some we don't like) pretending to debate things that matter, things that count. And they do. But talk is only useful if it incites action, and prudent action is the only thing that can create lasting change for the better. I've come to the conclusion that I may not be able to "save the world", but I can find the one thing I am passionate about and pour myself into that. Now to figure out what the heck that thing is...

Crossword Clue: "Mind blowing!"

2008-11-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

I think I've found my new love. Wycliff Gordon was amazing last night (Dizzy's Club at the Lincoln Center).

There's really not much to this post. Just that the words "mind blowing" were the only things that could have been said. Worth it. So worth it.

Also, Halloween was quite the experience. Had a blast! Thanks to NY and some awesome people.

Can you spare some change?

2008-10-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm often caught in an internal dilemma to "do the right thing". One of the things I've gotten used to is passing people on the street asking you for money. And lately, it has been the announcements/pleas on the subway for some spare change.

Can you spare some change?

Here I am working to eventually fight for those who have been systematically neglected and I sit there averting my eyes away from imploring eyes. I am not one to point the finger (I mean, who is really at fault? we could go on for days playing "devil's advocate" hah), but here is a quick story:

I'm sitting in the station. Waiting. The usual story for taking the train on the weekends. A family comes by and the father yells "sit down!". The mother pushing a stroller sits down and rolls her eyes. A young girl follows behind about 7 years old, and giggles to herself. The father yells "sit down!". She just laughs playfully and as a result really upsets her father. He starts asking her what she's laughing about, telling her he'll wipe that smile right off of her face, etc. All this yelling is getting to me and I'm just wishing for the train to pull up any minute so I can get lost in the crowd again.

Meanwhile, I'm looking down, reading something (or trying). The train arrives and the father starts demanding them to get into the train. He takes the baby boy out of the stroller and holds him. The moment he steps into the train he's hugging and kissing this baby completely different from the aggressive and hurtful yelling I just witnessed 30 seconds ago. They get in, and lo and behold I hear the same old spiel: "Ladies and gentlemen, can we have one moment of your time..." I can't but see this as twisted use of human capital.

So here comes the "choose your own ending" part of the novel: Do I give to this family and provide temporary relief while encouraging this unhealthy family dynamic to continue? or do I avert my eyes while telling myself that continuing to work for a greater net good in the world is more valuable than giving my one dollar?

Where's the "I take it back" button on this thing?

2008-10-05T19:59:00.001-07:00

Split second decisions can often lead to mishaps that have consequences far beyond what we could have possibly predicted.

That's the thing. So much of this world is unpredictable and uncontrollable, it's a miracle that any of us can maintain a sense of stability or security. Things can't be unsaid or undone. The fact is that we are moving forward and there is never any turning back. I figure the odds will even out eventually and good deeds will always come back and the protagonist will always win. But "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", and you really never know where you'll end up.

But even if a misunderstanding or mistake had created such a HUGE situation, how can you be so cold? In the words of the illustrious Gob Bluth "Come on!".

Cut the verbiage.

2008-10-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Honestly, there's not much content there.

I'm working on an essay where the prompt is practically (not literally) longer than the paper. {Makes perfect sense to me.} <-- those are my "sarcasm brackets"

Nonsensical tasks make it difficult to be motivated to accomplish anything. There has to be a purpose buried under all of the motions we go through, right? I certainly hope so.

So much wasted energy on the unnecessary makes me wonder what could be accomplished if necessary tasks were given this much attention. If trying to impress someone requires all of this effort aimed at saying nothing or doing nothing, then you really have to wonder (1) if you are actually impressing this person and (2) if this person is worth impressing if they'll fall for your pointless but showy feats of strength. Kind of like flexing to show off your steroid-supplemented muscles and then failing to lift a thing. OK we get it, you're really buff.

With all that said, I'm hoping I can back up my words with the amount of work I will get done this weekend. And sprinkled in will be a bit of Babar at the Morgan Library & Museum (and maybe some dim sum).

All of this leaves me with only one thing to say: I can haz?

Anonymity

2008-09-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

t's difficult sometimes. You don't realize how much of your existence sits in the hands of all of those around you.

I'm reminded of the whole "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear" question.

Two points to make:
1. Anonymity that comes with such a large city gives you a sense of freedom, so much so that it feels like being dropped in the middle of the ocean.

2. When does a person not matter? Phrases like "I don't care what they think" and "Why should it matter to you?" bug me. With the whole "no [hu]man is an island" mentality, it's really difficult for me to imagine a world where people can just voluntarily shut others out of their lives in all matters of consideration. The ripple-effect doesn't just apply to throwing pebbles into water. It ain't that simple, honey.

BTW blogging is really becoming something far more than I would have imagined. I mean I know there are political, fashion, personal, and gossip blogs. It's like skittles, so many colors and flavors, you are sure to find one you'd like to bookmark and read up on regularly. Our Student AIDS Summit is looking into MTV having blogging stations for our students to blog about their experiences as the day goes on. Live blogging.

I guess I always imagined this to be something that someone did in a quiet room by themselves, maybe with a caffeinated drink at hand, and typing away at a desk. Not in the hustle and bustle of everything, mid-day and mid-contemplation. Then again, I am typing away mid-day, but it's Friday, cut me a little slack ok?

I'm BACK! (sort of)

2008-09-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm in New York. A bit of a change from San Diego, to say the least.

I should be finishing up my readings before my first day of "Health and Medical Care", but I only have half a chapter left, so I think I'll finish before class.

There will soon be a better fleshed out post, but for now I think I should say 2 things:
1. Trying to get Mexican food out here was a bust. (I will update when I find something good)
2. I am going to the U.N. tomorrow for a symposium on the Social and Economic Dimensions of HIV/AIDS in Africa. Super excited!

Until I have a chance to take a breath (maybe Friday or Saturday), this post will have to do.
--
update:: found Mexican food in Brooklyn! and the U.N. was really amazing. Loved it!

But my heart lags behind

2008-04-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Such a struggle to know one thing but feel another.

A Roundabout Way Back to San Diego

2007-08-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

The last week of my trip was hectic. So many ceremonies, and flights. We finished the last two ceremonies for my grandma on the 30th and 31st, with almost everyone on my dad's side of the family. Beforehand, my family folded 1000 gold paper "bao's" (which look like nuggets) to be burned for my grandma.

The next day we flew to Nanjing with a stop in Hong Kong (no straight flights from Taipei due to political issues). After enjoying the Hong Kong airport, we arrived in Nanjing where it was about 40 Celsius (104 Fahrenheit). A day in Nanjing wasn't enough. I hope to return again and maybe recreate the "party room". haha

The day after returning to Taipei was the day we left for LAX. Non-stop flying. But it was worth it to get back.

Weather in SD cannot be more beautiful...home sweet home. Hopefully I'll stop being too busy catching up with all my work within the next week, and get some of my own personal things taken care of (like going to the beach).

You know that grinds my gears?

2007-07-22T02:50:00.000-07:00

The Taipei 101 is officially not the tallest building anymore. Apparently Dubai is working on a building and they announced just the other day that it has surpassed the Taipei 101 (without saying how much higher they are going). The way I see it is, I went to the top of it while it was still the tallest. Why do people compete to be the superlative anything? I figure it gives them a sense of accomplishment until someone comes along to beat that record. But eh... I'm not the one who built such a tall building.

Formosa is great and all, but there are some things that are "mind bottling". For example, anything that is made for couples. T shirts, key chains, hats, watches etc. Why? Just why would you want to match or have something that corresponds to your significant other. Drawing attention to the fact that they are in a relationship together because it is necessary to announce it to the world. I wonder if the business is thriving.

For people who say that Asian people can't drive, I'd tell them to try and drive here. What would be 3 lanes in the states is essentially 5, and what would be a one way street somehow develops into a two-way street. I don't think I will ever try to drive in Taipei downtown traffic. Ever.

Oh and I miss my Family Guy and I miss The Office. I've watched too many bad movies here, and need some good television that isn't streamed of the internet and blurry.

It's Bloody Hot

2007-07-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

So today it is supposed to hit almost 100F, but feel like 103. I don't know what that means, but I know that it is damned hot. I'm not a big fan of air conditioning, but this weather has definitely made it one of my newest friends.

Yesterday we went to the area called Danshui (which roughly translated is "Weak or Tasteless Waters"). It's an area long the coast with lots of food, and random shops. You can ferry out to the other shoreline for less than a dollar. Randomly, while buying a drink on the street, I saw a friend from my Third Year Chinese class. I didn't even know he was in Taiwan, let alone in Taipei! Talk about random. It reminded me of when I ran into a friend in Beijing last summer in a random shopping area. Talk about "yuan fen".

What's this about updating one's status?

2007-07-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

I have officially collected 10 mosquito bites (5 from a hike I took early Sunday morning).

My grandpa just offered me a cup of some Asian alcohol. No idea what kind. Japanese? Sweet and light. Tastes good.

I miss people though. Needing a really good hug and I can't wait for arrival of my parents. Tomorrow is a day for me to get some work done. I've been working on several projects, and things have been taking shape pretty well.

Today my brother and I went to the temple where they are keeping a spot/mini shrine for my grandma. We said our prayers and burned our incense. It's sad to go there every few days to see more photos being placed around us, and seeing different faces mourning different loved ones. That's life though. I come home to see the babies, and things just feel better. (Warning: holding babies can be addictive)

I'm ok.

2007-07-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

I have been lacking good sleep lately.

Aside from all the other madness in my life lately, I feel surprisingly empty at times. For the most part, I have relatives surrounding me, cooking things for me, taking me places, giving me babies to hold, telling me stories, and passing on wisdom. But other times, it's like I'm really all alone. There are things I can't say and things I can't express properly.

The few chats with certain friends have been so great. Helpful in the healing process. But I can't wait until my parents come. I may be an "adult", but I miss them so much.

It's hard being strong sometimes, and pretending like things don't bother you, or hurt you. I've been bottling up a lot since I've been here, and it hasn't been good. Faking smiles more often than not.

2007-07-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

Extended Stay.

I am staying longer than originally planned. Because of my grandma's passing, I am staying to wait until we can gather most of the family and do the proper cermonies and going to Nanjing with her as well.

It's been hard, yet good things have come of it. Family will be coming together, and that rarely happens when the family is so large. It's nice to be surrounded by loved ones. I have no doubt that good things are to come.

Formosa the Fun

2007-07-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm back again in Taiwan. Shopping, sight seeing and visiting family as usual. Just me and my brother. Mostly getting come rest and relaxation for me though.

Updates:

Hairs cut.
Ears pierced.

Soon to come:

I might dye my hair.

Chin Up

2007-02-23T01:08:00.000-08:00

I've come to realize lately, that I'm not as whole as I had convinced myself I was.

The truth is, I have been a bit lost for some time now and am coming to terms with it. Slowly but surely, I'm managing to put pieces back to where they belong, where they once were. Large and small shards of what used to be whole, now scattered.

It's internal. I don't think that people can see it, and I don't want them to try and help me. This is something that I need to fix on my own. Quick fixes are never solutions (that was a hard lesson to learn). I need patience and I need time. If I am lucky, I will get both. Until then, I will keep my chin up and face each day as I see fit.

Golden Pig

2007-02-19T21:17:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! It is the year of the Golden Pig, which apparently, comes around every 60 years.

Happily lost, and happily found. I'm just happy in general.

Certainly...not me

2006-12-22T18:32:00.000-08:00

Far from perfect.

Far from honest.

Far from moral.

Far from beautiful.

Far from greatness.

That's how it should be. I wouldn't want to be any other way. Striving to be, is where I am, what I'm doing, and what I should want. If ever I feel that I have reached a point of completion, then I know that I need to start over. And honestly, I don't have the energy to go back to square one any time soon. :)

Out.

2006-12-20T16:52:00.000-08:00

It stinks to feel left out. I hate finding out that I've been left out of things...it just makes me feel like the kid that was picked last on the kickball team. Probably my fault for always being so busy, but it still hurts.

(maybe that's why I invite myself to things, right Angela?)

Lower Standards: a New Solution

2006-12-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: this post is not to be taken seriously.

I was browsing around the web and I found this "Soulmate Calculator" based on the US census, and after filling out my "standards" or "expectations" for my future mate here are my results:

You have to meet 173,774 American single males before you find your soul mate.

I've got a lot of work ahead of me. haha. jk. Just an interesting approach to finding a soulmate (whatever that is). Atleast it made me chuckle.
---------

Today was my first day subbing at an infant center in our district. I just have to say that, even though it was extremely tiring to carry two babies, keep them from crying, or getting hurt, and figuring out whether they were hungry, tired, wet, or just plain grumpy, it was a blast. You can't help but love the helpless.

Passive

2006-12-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

Lately (well the past year or so) I've been floating in the abyss of uncertainty. Every time I find myself thinking that I've touched bottom and grounded myself, there's nothing there to keep me grounded.

I'm tired though. In all honesty, I would love that stability right now, that certainty. Mediocrity has overrun this part of my life, and I have yet to step up and make a move. The reason why I have not touched bottom and fully grounded myself is because I haven't made an investment, I haven't made the move to anchor myself to a decision. It's risky. Dropping all I have into one thing. The thought of that terrifies me. Every chance I've been given has been passed, leaving me with regret.

The tango of hesitation always lasts just a moment too long and then...the chance is gone.

In a Sentimental Mood

2006-10-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

John Coltrane.

Good stuff.

I have a cold...no fun. I should never take my health for granted, and yet it always happens. Cheers to good health! (Whenever it comes around)

10 of Life's Simple Pleasures

2006-09-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Angela picked me to do this task, and as a good friend, I shall.

Instructions: Name 10 of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 10 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and try not to use things other people have already used. (Only I won't pass this on. Sorry)

1. A really good-squeeze-the-breath-out-of-you-longer-than-3-second hug.
2. Dancing randomly in the middle of the street.
3. Eating fruit :)
4. Jumping on a whole pile of soft pillows.
5. Towels right out of the dryer...mmmm fuzzy and warm.
6. (I have to take this one from Angela) Holding/playing with babies.
7. The sunset (better when shared with someone).
8. Finding that perfect spot on the beach.
9. Ice Cream. (almost any flavor)
10. Eating honeysuckle.

There must be more, but ten is where I have to stop.

Knocks me off my Feet - Stevie Wonder

2006-08-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

I see us in the park
Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head
And words from our hearts
Told only to the wind felt even without being said
I dont want to bore you with my trouble
But there's something bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

There's something bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
Knocks me off my feet

I dont want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
I dont want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

We lay beneath the stars
Under a lover's tree that's seen through the eyes of my mind
I reach out for the part
Of me that lives in you that only our two hearts can find
But I dont want to bore you with my trouble
But there's something bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet...

-------------------------

I've heard this song so much, and yet Stevie's still got it. I can smile about a love song even without a "lover" in my life, and I love that about music. It can make you feel things that you otherwise could or would not feel. If I could marry music, I think I would.

Those Sweet Words

2006-08-17T05:14:00.000-07:00

Inner Mongolia
Norah Jones came on my Launchcast Radio, and I just wanted to write. I didn't really keep up my "blogging" during my trip as I had planned. I guess my small but rather significant "audience" will have to just forgive me for that.

Tonight, or rather, this morning, I just can't sleep. Honestly, it probably isn't really jet lag, but more of a mind buzzing with thoughts and a heart swimming with feelings. I came back in the evening and slept. The next day, I went to the beach. How I missed San Diego, clear air, the beach, and good old friends. haha. Jorelyn with her eyelid tan (that girl has surfed way too much without me). The culture shock coming back is actually a bit worse than the culture shock going over there.

I met this guy from South Africa through some of my other EAP friends (Scott and Lars), and he asked me "So Kim, what are you taking home with you?" I knew what he meant, but I really didn't know how to answer him. Although it should be clear, I think I'm slow to react. I really don't know exactly what, other than this blurry feeling, I have gained abroad. This question, coming from a guy who works with Siemens and gets ordered to work abroad for months only days in advance. He just drops everything and moves to another country for a few months. I don’t think I could do that. I also don’t think I could ever dance as well as him :).

Still some more internalizing to do, and some sleeping soon I hope.

Resilience

2006-06-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

Death asks, "What is the most amazing thing on earth?"

He answers, "That man continues to hope"

--------
[edit]

It's amazing how resilient people can be. Though sometimes pain felt may be sharp and cut deep, one word or moment can change all of that. It's true that wounds take time to heal, but in reality, much of the healing time is determined by the wounded. My friend told me that you will sustain less injuries if you relax and give in to the impact of an oncoming object. Giving in to the impact, I realize now, does not imply weakness, but strength. I have often assumed that by closing myself off to an oncoming issue, I would be able to dodge the problem. Now I realize that facing it and taking the hit can initially make me feel vulnerable, but will ultimately leave me with less pain.

Future who?

2006-06-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

In light of all the changes in my life, I've decided to write myself a letter.

Check this out:
Future Me

I played violin for the first time in a long while today. It was more enjoyable than I remember it to be.

run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality -Ginsberg

2006-06-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

Thought I reached a new plateau in my life where I was comfortable with the way everything was. I should have known at that moment that things would change.

I'm ready to leave. Ready to skip these next two weeks and fly to China.

All this melodramatic nonsense is probably just another way of getting me out of this lull and into something new. Better a quick and painful snap into reality than an agonizingly gradual realization of the truth.

The answer to my problem: get thicker skin.

It's as good as eating your veggies

2006-05-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

I laughed when I read this.

This is the first time in a long while that I've had a few hours to myself. I get so used to the commotion of being with other people that it takes a little while to get used to the silence. But after the silence has faded, I realize that there is so much going on in my mind. There's a buzz of thoughts and constant reflection to fill this time alone. I think I've needed this for a while.

Neverending Story

2006-05-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

Life's slow passing moments make for great sources of inspiration. Moments of clarity and peace can do so much. Single snapshots of life can easily develop into catalysts for stories to come.

Yet I'm struggling with patience. This "life story" I'm supposedly living has swept me away. I realize that I have no say about where I'm going. But the swell of life can be overwhelming, so I try to balance keeping my head above water and reaching bottom in hopes of grounding myself. I'll do my best to avoid drowning in life.

Food for Thought.

2006-04-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted and each wish resign'd
-Alexander Pope

I have more to say, but not enough time. So I figured I ought to use someone else's words instead of my own [they've already said it much better than anything I would be able to come up with].

Azure Turns to Gold

2006-04-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

I miss having time to see the sunrise or set. Lately I've either been sleeping, working, or studying during these times. It's a beautiful time of day and never seems to lose its beauty. After class today, I wanted nothing else but to go to the cliffs. The first time I saw a sunrise was on the ocean near San Clemente Island just before we went diving. To be honest, I haven't had the chance to see a sunrise since, unless it happenned while writing my humanities paper. When I get a chance, I'll plan my perfect day and actually be able to enjoy it (hopefully with enjoyable company as well).

Today started off with a strange dream, continued with a broken shoe that got thrown away, and ended with the discovery of my parents watching a Korean soap opera (what are the odds?). This may not have been the perfect day, but it definitely was an interesting one.

Nothing but a Notion

2006-04-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

I feel that people are always on a search for "truth" or "reality", as if there's an all-in-one solution to all problems in life. As human beings, we tend to desire closure and conclusions. It's as if we feel that once we've figured it all out, the process is finished and another one can begin. Yet the search for truth or truths is never-ending. Questions only yield more questions.

Most of us don't realize that reaching a conclusion is not equivalent to reaching truth. This is what, in my opinion, causes us to hold our "values" so tightly, what causes us to narrow our minds as we grow older, what makes us think we know better than someone else. Convictions are nothing but falsely realized truths.

Better Days

2006-04-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

Aside from a couple of highlights, I had a *mer* day today. Yes, *mer*. (I miss Yasmin)

Certain aspects of my life have always been changing either in reality, or as a result of change in perspective. Yet in my desperate search for stability, I always end up in an unfulfilling situation. I give up fulfillment for some sense of control. In an attempt to guide my fate, I act as a catalyst in hopes of seeing the results that I want for myself. Though it feels stable and safe, it's not authentic or natural, in fact it's fleeting and forced. What I lack now is trust, trust that this is the way things ought to be, and trust that I am playing my role in that.

Everybody loves sun, why do I attract shade?
Heard of the love of money, but compassion it pays
- Common, "Love Is" -

And the beat goes on.

2006-04-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

Spring break turned out to be much better than what I could have ever imagined. Building houses, meeting wonderful people, and just seeing new things really changes my perspective on a lot of things. The nice thing about travelling and meeting people from different places is that you learn not to assume that everyone comes from the same type of situation as yourself. Less assuming means less room for judgement and more room for empathy.

This week has given me hope most of all. Hope that things can change for the better, and hope that people haven't lost all of their ability to care for others. It may still be a form of "self-love" to help others according to some philosophers (argh, Humanities), but the end result is still a contribution of good.

Much more to write, but I have to leave to set up for Spangela's sister's bridal shower. Time is really passing by [hence the title].

In Between Dreams.

2006-03-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

Again with the dreams. I think my subconscious hates me. It likes to make me think about issues in my life that should never come up at a time like this.

Dreams offer you the comfort of a world where contraints of everyday life are nonexistent. Yet getting a taste of the dream and then waking up to a different reality is harsh. My mind tells me something, but my heart lags behind. It's easy to make a decision, and difficult to invest whole-heartedly.

Matters of the heart involve all those emotions that you lack the ability to control. With certain aspects of my life, I hope that my rational decisions will eventually shape my irrational emotions. If only I had horrible nightmares instead of dreams that are too good to be true.

Smile...You're on Candid Camera!

2006-03-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched people as you walk by them?

I love it when I see someone walking alone, lost in thought and just smiling [not the crazy ones]. It makes me smile. They aren't necessarily smiling at me, but the fact that they have something in their life that makes them smile makes me happy.

Today, I caught myself doing the same thing [walking along and just smiling while lost in thought]. Lots of things have been getting better, and I feel like I am growing stronger by the day. It's a good thing to have something to smile about.

Such a thing...

2006-02-16T02:39:00.000-08:00

I often find myself giving up something that is adequate to pursue the possibility of more than adequacy. Like the little girl walking down a path picking stones, I am afraid that I will be at the end of the path in my search for the largest stone, only to find myself holding a smaller stone than what I originally had. But, then again, if I was always content with what I had and turned a blind eye to everything else, I might find myself to be blissfully ignorant (or ignorantly blissful).

I know exactly what I'm looking for in life, but I don't know what it will look like. It's just a conviction that I have, a feeling. And I fear that I won't see it or pursue it during my short stay in life. [There's been a lot of death in my life lately, and I can't help but be selfish and think about myself and those around me.]

Ripple Effect

2006-02-05T13:39:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what a little kindness can do. I know that everyone's heard about that "ripple effect" of how one action can go so far, but there are so many things that we do inadvertently and never give any thought to.

Without knowing it, there are people in my life, who have completely changed the way I look at things.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Lately, thoughts of "nature vs nurture" and "fate vs free will" have been floating around in my head (along with all the other things that I've been consumed by). With both of these ideas, there is a weird balance of comfort and fear. There is comfort in knowing that you have choices, but also a great fear that your choices may bring undesirable consequences for you and others. There is also comfort in feeling that your fate and nature aren't your responsibility, but the fear that you have no choice as to where that fate will take you can leave you feeling helpless.

Optimism, I think, is a way for humans to cope with the fact that if they were to truly take everything they see at face value, they would see no reason to live. I'm not saying that there aren't beautiful things in life, I'm just saying that without optimism or faith, the ugly things would have the ability to tarnish beauty.

[By the way, I am sitting in Giesel right now, and a bird just landed outside of the window and "dropped a deuce". I wonder where it landed.]

Events You Ought to Attend (if you're in SD)

2006-01-24T23:20:00.001-08:00

SPIRIT WEEK!!!

Monday January 30th, 2006
The Premier (Plaza) 8-10pm
Come check out the hypnotist, bands, & basketball players on the walk of stars
Dress to impress!!! FREE FOOD

Tuesday January 31st, 2006
Eat Your Heart Out! (Plaza Café) 6-7pm
Who can eat a subway fastest?
I Heart Revelle T-shirt as a prize Plus more!

Wednesday February 1st, 2006
Dunk Contest (Plaza area)12-1 pm
Got skills? We’ll have “professional” & “amateur” contests (raised and lowered hoop)
Prizes: Gift certificates to Panda Express

Thursday February 2nd, 2006
Pregame Rally (Price Center) 12-1pm
Come watch Henry Patterson get body painted and Michele Osier compete in a relay competition!!
Show your spirit, get a T-shirt, and meet the team before spirit night.

Friday February 3rd, 2006
Spirit Night 5:30-?pm RIMAC
(Women’s game: 5:30pm Men’s game: 7:30pm)
“Walk Over” from Revelle and Matthews at 5pm [FREE shirts and spirit gear!!!]
Spirit Night: FREE FOOD, tons of giveaways, Fireworks show after the game
***More spirit = More prizes!!!!!***

Endless Possibilities

2006-01-19T22:03:00.000-08:00

How is it possible that life itself seems to have the ability to suck the life out of me?

On my way...

2006-01-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

By the time most people [if anyone] reads this, I'll be on my way, or already back in San Diego. I heart San Diego. Beautiful city if you ask me.

They're playing "In my Place" by Coldplay right now on the radio. And soon I will be "In my Place". I will miss my relatives immensely. I will also miss how I was able to drop some of the burdens of being in San Diego for a little while. Some things were a bit surreal for a while, but like all things, reality hits hard and I'm back to work again. But it's kind of a refreshing slap in the face [if there is such a thing]. I like reality, it never fails to surprise me.

You know that feeling?

2006-01-02T04:34:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling where as you are speaking, you can hear yourself saying: what the hell are you talking about?, but you just keep talking anyway?

I hate it.

Thoughts from Abroad

2005-12-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

While on vacation, there have been many thoughts going through my mind. I have been taking this time off to read and finish reading things that I always begin, but never seem to find the time to finish. Giddiness mixed in with dorkiness is how I would describe myself when I know it's time for a break from school and I can finally find time to read all those things that I have been wanting to read. The only complaint that I have is that there isn't enough time.

This latest book, Tuesdays with Morrie, mentions something that I have been experiencing lately and couldn't put it into words:
The Tension of Opposites

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."

So which side wins, I ask?

"Which side wins?"

He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

Thanks MT for getting me this book for my birthday. You truly are awesome!!

Is it written in the stars?

2005-12-21T17:37:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I like to read my horoscope, and do the exact opposite of what it says I will do.

[ Facing the bull? Eh...I'd rather do it indirectly ;) ]

SARS!!

2005-12-18T18:36:00.000-08:00

This sign made me smile.

Taiwan: where the fun's at.

2005-12-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

So the phone rings the day before I leave for Taiwan, and it's Margaret.
*ring*ring* Hello?
Margaret: Are you excited?

haha. In my head, I was like YAYUH!!! Good times.

This trip has been great so far. The plane ride was fun cuz I had Margaret next to me instead of some stinky person that I didn't know. Atleast this time I knew the stinky person next to me! I think I am getting good at this whole time change thing because it only took be about a day to change over to the time here. I've had a good time eating good food and seeing good people. Everyone's growing up so fast. I wonder how I look to them.

Funny thing is, when I see people on my mom's side of the family, they talk about how much I look like my mom, and when I see my dad's side of the family, they talk about how much I look like my dad. I miss my friends back home though, but I hope that they are having fun or "dominating" their finals. I'm working on taking pictures of funny signs and such. Operation Funny Asian Signs in Engrish aka Operation FASE!!! Yeah ok. Enough of that. I'm gonna go walk around in the rain. I love it.

Thems Fightin' Werds

2005-12-10T19:40:00.000-08:00

We usually filter what we think before allowing ourselves to speak. Our spoken words are often a very poor reflection of what we are really thinking. Whether or not this is a good thing, I'm not too sure.

I think I'd get myself into trouble and find myself regretful most of the time if I just said whatever was on my mind all the time. This is only because I fear what others would think both of me and of our relation to one another. Other times, I wish I had the guts to [ironically] be gutsy. Take a risk and make the jump. The odds are completely unknown, and I'm not the gambling type. I'd like to advocate pure and total honesty, but the repercussions of that would be unthinkable.

I'm not even talking about "lying". What I'm talking about involves concealing the truth, or very cunningly avoiding the subject. In an ideal world, I think people would be openly honest and everything would be simple [but not necessarily easy].

All Over the World!

2005-12-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

Don't feel tired, nope. I usually go to bed before midnight (yeah I know, kinda weird).

Bali Hai was a beautiful place. One day I will go there again, and not get lost on the roundabout [definitely fun. I almost wish I was in MT's car...almost]. The food was good, but not "great". I totally gave away the whole secret santa thing without even paying attention, hence the new nickname "Loose Lips Kim". [This name is usually followed by a sad face and then a mad walk]

Finals are over by the way and it feels...how do I say this?...AWESOME.

I'm excited to travel and go to Taiwan. I got accepted to the Habitat for Humanity Collegiate Challenge and most likely will go to Oregon to build houses during Spring Break. Yeah I know I'm sexy. Then this summer...China if I'm lucky. If I had a million dollars, I think I would travel and volunteer all over the world. Yeah that'd be awesome too.

"I don't practice Santeria, I ain't got no crystal ball
Well I had a million dollars,but I'd spend it all!"
~Sublime

Nonsense

2005-12-02T21:12:00.000-08:00

So today, I had a sit down talk with my friend (who will remain nameless, but spent a lot of time making pirate comments). During this talk, I was reminded of an idea that has been swimming around my head for a while.

I really feel offended when I hear someone say "don't be so sensitive". It's as if we are so focused on efficiency and materialism that we forget we are human. Living life in a way that is personally fulfilling should be your goal, not falling into the clockwork of society and going through the motions. Without sensitivity and emotions, where would we be? Living life numb to all the pain and happiness around is no life at all.

We have dehumanized ourselves in order to "progress" as a whole. Yet it seems that there has been little real progress gained by humanity through this process. The impersonal way we see the world and deal with people, in my opinion, is actually taking away from humanity [a unique quality that we hold so highly]. Desensitizing people only lessens their quality of life.

Boogers

2005-12-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

I was trying to type in the URL for this site, and I ended up typing "booger.com". haha. How silly would that be?

Sorry if you read my blog and it seems like I am emo or bipolar. Honestly, I'm really sane (some may disagree), I promise. Life has been good lately. I am enjoying a sense of autonomy and clarity of mind that I haven't felt in a while. Some unnecessary "drama" may have come up, but according to some people (who will remain nameless) I don't like to call it "drama" because I secretly like drama. Go figure.

I've been really enjoying the conversations I've been having lately. Hearing about other people's thoughts, lives, and other silly comments makes me happy. I would love to spend the rest of my life just conversing with all these people and hearing what they have to say. It's like I'm connecting with all these people, and in turn I'm growing. I'm gonna try not to qualify each statement I make, but really, life is all about relationships. Remember that, and keep it in your pocket for a rainy day.

Looks Like the Weather Isn't Fine

2005-11-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

I guess there will never be any "swooping in" for me. I guess it's for the better. I will never be good enough, but I'll always give my best.

If I could cry, I would.

Tee Hee

2005-11-22T21:16:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I could bring a smile to someone's face with a phone call. I had a giddy moment and couldn't help but tell someone. The first thought to mind was: tee hee! Yes, I am corny, but also very very sexy. [oh the sarcasm]

Outrageous

2005-11-17T12:46:00.000-08:00

This is my new word. Just for today.
-~-~-~-~

The silly things we talk about:
Susette: i wanted to take a poli sci class
Angela: why would you be grumpy
Kim: you would get mad at the liberals
and then want to stab them with your pen
but they wouldn't like that
Jore: some miiiight

I heart my friends. They are really awesome people. Thank you for being my friend even though I'm a loner/loser. You make me feel cool. haha.

Silly Things.

2005-11-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: June 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything.
You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life.
Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal.
You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return.

Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone

Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge

Your power color: Cobalt blue

Your power symbol: Dove

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Some of this is remarkably true.

"You'll be a non-time person"

Unforgettable

2005-11-11T16:54:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I'm too sentimental. It's not good for my health. Can't seem to let go of much, or forget much. I really want to make some changes.

Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion

~Tenessee Williams

Oh You Chicken...

2005-11-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."
-Author Unknown

Seasons Greetings

2005-11-02T02:14:00.000-08:00

I was asked the other day:

What do you want for Christmas that you can't buy with money? (it's paraphrased a bit)

The strange thing is that, according to my friend, this question usually takes people a couple of days to answer. I knew what I wanted in a matter of a few moments. Unfortunately, it made me really emotional to think about and I opted not to share my thoughts.

This made me realize, that after a very genuine conversation, I still always had this brewing inside of me. This deep sense of sadness and emptiness. It made me realize that although I'm putting up a "front", it's really just my avoidance of wearing all my emotions on my sleeve (especially the negative ones).

On a lighter note...I'm definitely looking forward to winter break!!!!

Check it out kids...

2005-10-30T07:57:00.000-08:00

Here's a website by my cousins in Canada:
(Yep that's where all the artistic talent in my family went)
Tim, Howie & Leo

This is the sound of settling...

2005-10-30T07:39:00.000-08:00

No one ever wants to settle. But I have a feeling that most of us end up settling in life anyway. You settle with what's comfortable, and you convince yourself that the choices you make are for the better. It's so hard to tell the future, and sometimes I feel like i'm just setting my anchor and watching the swells pass me by. If I trusted fate and knew that fate had good things in store for me, then I could just set my thoughts aside and sail through life.

I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life where I really want to just stop and figure out where I am headed. But it's so hard to isolate myself and look into myself when the rest of the world goes on and blurs by.

Knowing that in every relationship, there is a lack of genuineness in some form or other makes me wonder. We only disclose so much of ourselves to certain people, to the point where we are different people every time we touch base with a different person. And just sometimes, there are people where I wish I could disclose more to, but knowing that it would shatter their sense of who I am, I don't.

Landslide

2005-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

I love this song.

"I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down"
~Landslide, Fleetwood Mac

Matters of the Heart

2005-10-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

Every time I feel my heart mend and grow, I feel a bit of heartache and heartbreak right after. I gain a little hope, only to be dragged down by painful realizations.

Sometimes, it's so hard to be truly happy.

(I'm sorry for my kind of emo post...I'm feeling a bit blue right now. Dont' worry, it'll pass.)

I've been asked to post...

2005-10-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

I should be finishing something, but I'm not. Like always, I write when I shouldn't. This year has been amazing so far. It's been very different, in the sense that I'm really beginning to feel myself grow. There's this really strong intuition that I've never felt before, and lately I just really want to do some real soul searching. I'm done analyzing the world around me, and I've pretty much made my amends with my past. It seems like all that lack of time to myself in the past has made me feel like I need to really focus on who I am and who I want to become.

The realization that I probably only have this chance to do all these things with my life is daunting. As life continues, there are many more things to enjoy, but in other ways I have less choice over what I can enjoy. Unfortunately, I think that some of our choices in life get narrower and narrower (i.e. career, family), and it feels like these few years will be my last chance to expand and explore what I can do.

There will always be some constants in my life though. Such as who and what I care about. That doesn't change easily.

2005-09-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling that this year will be much better than last year...and probably a lot busier.

2005-09-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Forgive and forget" Words that are easy to say, but so hard to do. When having a good memory becomes a bad thing, having a bad memory doesn't seem so bad at all.

On a lighter note. I've gotten to know some really cool people this weekend, and discovered some really nice cafes in San Diego thanks to my good friend Sam. Torrey Pines is a beautiful place, and I realized on Saturday how much I miss just sitting quietly thinking. S

elf reflection, in its truest sense can bring so much to a person. Self disclosure, on the other hand, should not be asked of a person when intentions are not necessarily to help but to sift through the words and find scraps of wanted information. There is a difference between knowing and understanding.

2005-09-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to fall in love with things a little late.

I feel like a kid who doesn't wanna fight over the cool toy everyone is playing with and waits for them to move onto something more new and exciting. Once they've dropped that forgotten toy, I get to have it all to myself. Kind of a strange habit. Something I can't really change. Oh well... falling in love with things a little late seems to have come around and bitten me on the butt so far. But then again there is no such thing as an unhappy ending, just a story someone hasn't finished telling. (sort of taken from Twin Falls Idaho)

"Well I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
Baby we’ll be butterflies
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
That sounds so divine"
~ Next Lifetime

2005-08-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

Strange thing is that I would rather chose an empty life if it were easier.

and yet I can't make myself do it.

2005-08-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

So close...yet so out of reach.

2005-08-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think it's gone, and I've missed my moment forever.

2005-08-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish someone could point out the direction I should be going in. It's hard because I just honestly wish sometimes that life could be like the ride at disneyland where you feel like you are steering the ride but in actuality, you are riding on a track the whole time. You are always going in the direction you are "supposed" to be going in.

If only things were simpler. I always try to simplify things in life, and it's just impossible. There are so many variables flying around that it's difficult to stop and concentrate on one aspect of your life without tying in all the other millions of things to be taken into condsideration. Then all these tags like: What if? What should? Why? How?, come along with these variables and just complicate them more.

"things fall apart" (an amazing book with an amazing title) just makes me wonder about the way things go and the way things are meant to be. I mean, I know that "things happen for a reason" and everything in life seems to hold meaning if you think about it long enough. But this FREE WILL that we have, this is what makes things interesting. Each moment in life is affected by your choice and each moment following is in turn followed by another choice.

Life isn't one of those choose-the-ending-of-the-story novels where you can just say: "oh dude, this ending totally sucks" and just flip the pages back and start all over again.

Now my head hurts.

2005-07-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

Summer has this awkward feeling to it this year. I expect this abundant amount of time to just fall into my lap and have the ability to do all the things I've been wanting to do throughout the year. Yet, I can't because ironically, I'm really busy. How weird is that?

I've gotten back in touch with people I haven't seen for a year or two. Crazy feeling. Like you know you could start right where you left off, but then you don't know if that would feel strange for them. How much have you changed since you've seen them? How much have they changed?

Anyway...life is good either way. I love San Diego just as much as I loved it when I was young. This is a great place with some pretty awesome people.

2005-05-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

Love this line

"The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start" ~Feist "Let it Die"

2005-05-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

let's just say...life gets crazy.

After Sun God...I think aside from LUDA!!! (I heart Ludacris) the best thing was Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley. Thumbs up. Ja mon.

Thumbs down to the girl who puked all over the place.

Seeing this crazy old man preaching to us about how we are all going to burn in hell makes me sad. If he was a true Christian, I don't think he would be running around spitting judgement at people all over the place. I don't really think he cares, but focuses on condemning instead. If you really want to help, you reach out and you help others to "see the light". Jesus sat down with people that the high priests used to look down upon. I hardly believe this man would take the time to sit down and share a meal with anyone he felt was a "dirty perverted sinner".

He brings in a speaker from Missouri of all places. I don't know, I thought I was stereotyping when I assumed this man would be like those crazy fanatical close-minded racists, but it turned out that I wasn't. All he did was stand up, point, yell and basically curse in his own way. Free speech is a wonderful thing, but when do you draw the line between free speech and hate speech. I honestly felt offended by many of the things that they said and decided to leave for class. I like to listen to others and hear what they have to say and why they say it...but this just made me feel bad for them. It's sad to have people in the world who stil think like this...not enough love in the world.

2005-05-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ring of Fire

April 29th from 7pm till midnight. This event definitely was not just those 5 hours for me. Let's just say it has been an amazing experience and I am so grateful for all of those who have been involved in this with me and have supported me throughout the event.

So life has been good. I'm still recovering from a week of practically no sleep..I think my body is shot and I still have so much more schooling to do. So many great people I have gotten so close to. People I can share all these different parts of myself with. It's like this exciting bartering marketplace out there where you share and exchange parts of yourself with others, and no matter how much you give out, you come back with so much more.

I guess I'd just like to say thanks...Thanks for sharing yourself with me.

2005-04-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

It may be hard sometimes...

But you just gotta look on the brighter side. I may go through times where things just aren't looking up, but I step back and realize how wonderfully blessed I am.

It's wonderful to feel as if there is always someone there for you. Ready to jump into harms way for you. No matter who that may be. Even if you do get hurt, it softens the blow to know that someone is there to heal your wounds.

I get stressed, worried, and tired just like anyone else. With a little love though, and some perspective on life, everything just feels alright. It's going to be fine in the end no matter what happens to you along the road. Don't let what happens to us define us. My hope is that the events in my life don't direct my path, but only serve as road signs to guide my way through life.

Flexibility is key to a lot of things in life, and that's something that I have to work on. I like to know what I'm going to do 3 years from now...Ok so it's not that bad, but I gain stability in life by knowing what I'm doing in the future. It's good and bad at the same time. Kind of a double-edged sword. You don't know what will kill you first, lack of planning or not being able to live with what God/fate has planned for you.

2005-03-24T14:07:00.000-08:00

Can't Wait for Summer

So bad. I want summer to be here now. I want to be able to go to the beach everyday of my life. That would be amazing.

I just watched this movie on IFC called Next Stop to Wonderland (or atleast I think that's what it's called). There was this really good point in it about a daily ritual of marveling at the beauty of one thing everyday. This act of just thinking and, in a way meditating, in order to gain inspiration for life... very IFC-ish kind of movie.

Another weird off topic thing. I had a dream that in my right eye, these weird yellowish gouey things were growing on it. So I went to the bathroom, and began washing them and taking them out of my eye. Then my eye became all cloudy and grey/blue. It was as if I was going blind in my right eye. Such a weird feeling.

This break hasn't been really relaxing. I still have soo many things to do and worry about. Get a resume done, finish an assessment, read for humanities, prepare for the Ring of Fire event, begin to memorize my lines, finish the scholarship application....lotsa work.

Ugh..I don't want to think about it.

2005-03-22T01:57:00.000-08:00

New Face
This is the new face of my blog. Nothing has really changed, but I figured since my e-mail hasn't changed since 6th grade, then something should.

I'm excited hearing about all these seniors getting into "college acceptance/rejection mode". It's like reliving it again. It mattered so much at the time, but once the decision had been made, all we could do was have faith that no matter where we were, we'd do our best and experience all that we could. For most of us, I think this has held true. Don't stress too much about where you are going, because all in all, it's what you make of it.

I really need to start sleeping at a normal time. Too much time staying up has definitely affected my health.

I hope the weather gets better. It's shrimp bread time tomorrow!!! GENIUS!

2005-03-21T02:40:00.000-08:00

Ok. So I can't sleep.
"Three" Survey
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Kim
2. Keeyum
3. Kimmy
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Kimmygirl
2. Pinkypinks86
3. i can't remember
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my dimples/ fat cheeks (I make myself sound so attractive)
2. how I laugh really easily
3. how i'm inconsistent (too troublesome to try to be consistent)
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. All I have to say is: I'm fantastic
2. I'm fantastic
3. I'm fantastic
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Chinese
2. American
3. Some random Bulgarian Dutch stuff
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Too much HUM!!!
2. failing
3. loosing sight of what's really important
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Washing/cleaning myself
2. a good book
3. a decent conversation
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. comfy sweater
2. boxers
3. my cool glasses (oh yeah)
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS:
1. Billie Holiday
2. Led Zeppelin
3. Norah Jones
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Banana Pancakes (Jack Johnson)
2. 500 miles
3. Don't worry...Be happy
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. waking up early enough to see the sunrise
2. doing my work when I should
3. use the gym more then 2 times a week
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have a painting from the FIRST first lady of Taiwan
2. Summer is my favorite season
3. I really love Paris Hilton (haha)
THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1.sense of humor (so HOT)
2. values
3. charisma
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. reach the rim of the basketball hoop (I've tried)
2. chemistry
3. sit around and do nothing
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. movies
3. making things
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. be able to sleep
2. see my favorite people
3. be a doctor already so I can give free medical care to kids in 3rd world countries
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. pediatrician
2. teacher
3. some sort of social worker or event planner
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Hawaii
2. New Zealand
3. China
THREE KIDS' NAMES:
1. Claire
2. Tyler (girl's name)
3. Joseph
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Scuba dive in the most beautiful parts of the ocean
2. be able to wake up and walk right onto the beach
3. see my children be happy with their lives

2005-03-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the more stressed you are, the more you realize there's no reason to be stressed.

I hope I never become one of those people guided by their clocks and schedules. Worried about the hours ticking away or the days crossed off of their calendars. Gone...yeah I know. But I mean why worry about something that's gone.

You know what? I don't ever say this, but I love hearing people talk about their beliefs. Just listening in on the different kinds of perspectives of faith or even lack of faith, and how it can fulfill a person so much. Some may gain this fulfillment in different ways. Listening and understanding these things help me realize even even moreso what I really believe. They may be different, but I don't think that everyone should think like me.

And the whole "wasting your life in conflict" is so true. People need to take a chill pill and not hate so much. Hate and anger eat away at your heart, when you really don't deserve it. Take care of your heart.

2005-02-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

Don't know why...

I don't know why I'm writing. Perhaps I'm just writing in hopes that some thoughts other than chemistry, biology, humanities and the modern Chinese revolution will come to mind.

Been through 2 interviews this week, a traumatizing experience with a jerk-off, a wonderful surprise from a certain special someone, and had dinner with family and friends that was rather enjoyable. I'm happy and at peace.

I love the rain. It makes me want to sleep. Sooooo much sleeping is oh so goood. Sleep is one of those things you learn to enjoy after you lack it. It makes me want to stay inside aaalllll day...but yeah then I wouldn't be productive. That would make me...not Kim.

Plan of the day... listen to Billie Holiday and lay in bed enjoying the rain. Sounds good to me.

2005-01-25T23:25:00.000-08:00

Things Change

Sometimes fortunately and sometimes unfortunately. But things change.

Maybe they don't actually change per se, but your perspective on things change. It's like the whole fall from innocence. I see these things that I wish I could turn back from or rewind. I find myself hoping that things will be the way they used to be, when life was all about naps and snacks.

I wish that people wouldn't tell me things like: "you really shouldn't care that much", because the honest truth is that I do...and I care for a reason. Is that really so hard to believe? My priorities are the way they are for a reason. It's like telling the world that they "really shouldn't care that much" about all the atrocities going on because it's not happening to us directly.

Change is good I guess. But sometimes it's like you're walking hand-in-hand with someone one moment and the next, there's a huge rift between the two of you and not matter how hard you try and beg and plead them to come over to your side, or even if you try to get over to them, it's impossible.

**********************************************************************

I'm having that dream again. Where I keep trying to run, but I end up on my knees every time. I try to stand back up again and run, but I keep falling to my knees. I can't even walk anymore. My legs aren't strong enough to hold myself up. It doesn't hurt to fall, but it's so frustrating not to be able to get anywhere. It's probably my worst recurring dream.

2004-10-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hi-larious

Hanging out with crazy kids like Angela and Jorelyn and my crazy suitemates are fun. We are definitely making an Angela doll. Here's how the ad would go::

Have you ever wondered to yourself- How cool would it be to have an Angela doll??
Well... wonder no more! We now have the ultimate GENIUS! Angela doll.

When you press her tummy she says cool catch phrases like-
"Genius!"
"Damnit!"
"Screw you scuba Steve!"
"Hi there Habar"
"Hi-larious"
"Kimberly-Ah!"
...and much much more....

Don't wait order within the next 24 hours and you get your own personal GENIUS! Angela doll for only $19.99. Just call 1-800-I-GENIUS

How wonderful would that be?? haha I love it.

I went to the Halloween dance yesterday, and I was dressed as a "tavern wench" or a G-rated Bar maid. But everytime I say "wench" I think of Smadar-the-Backdoor-Barasch! Ah..I miss high school, and yet I don't.

Oh and my last comment is: Bikes are murderous weapons...seriously. I'm so scared when they come right at me...apparently they don't see me cuz I'm small.

2004-10-25T01:49:00.000-07:00

Schizophrenia

With all these dang leadership retreats and personality assesment tests, I really think I'm becoming schizophrenic. Help me!!!

But I am excited for Halloween. It will be fun. If I can get all this work done. Who the heck told me that there was no homework in college?!? They lied like a mofo. Oh yeah and whoever invented homework should die a slow horrible torturous death.

Fave quote of the month:: "Whoever invented naps was a genius!" ~Spangela

2004-10-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

Inspiration

I went on a high ropes course in Idyllwild. [dunno how to spell it] But yeah. Definitely a life changing experience. It's amazing how you can tell yourself you won't fall, and you really don't. Never thought I'd be able to say that I did it. I know a lot of people probably don't think it's that big of a deal. You climb a tree then go across wires and use strings or pole things to get across. Or you climb a tree and then jump for a trapeeze. It's fun, but also very cool to think about afterwards. While you're up there, you're like...dang I love the ground. But there were moments for me where I looked straight ahead into the trees and felt like I was just walking up in the sky about 20 ft up in the air. As them Nor cal kids would say...it was "hella tight".

Definitely meeting some interesting people here. Never judge a book by its cover for sure. I'm loving it though. Honestly.

Shh!! my awesome roommate Angela "Hooooo-ah!" is sleeping. She's so cute. Jorelyn's coming back at like 5pm, and I went to Che Cafe to get broken drum sticks for Kate..for a protest against police brutality. Forgot my umbrella...so I just ran through the rain. Much fun. I have weird dreams.

Everyday is way interesting...and way inspiring. You guys are awesome...don't stop making me happy.

2004-10-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! I'm so bad.

Sorry kids. I haven't been updating lately. So I guess I'll try to make up for it...or not. since I'm supposed to be double checking my essay before I turn it in...within an hour!!

Well just to let you know...I've found more Kim's. It's actually rather frightenning. There are 3 Kim's on my floor and 2 of them are in my suite!!! Yes. But this Kim is much taller and has red hair. She also plays rugby....I'm not gonna mess with her. And she's a crazy Costco/Harry Potter/Johnny Depp fanatic. We have "ego-battles" where we test our sass and ability to intimidate the one another. She usually wins. My suite is awesome.

I'm going nutso again with my organizations. Angela thinks I'm crazy. So I am. Whatever she says goes. We surprisingly enough haven't driven eachother insane yet. In fact, things are going pretty well. However, I have woken up a couple of times with a pillow smashed on my face. I'm wondering if I should be worried for my life. dun Dun DUN!!!

Ok chillens I hope everyone is having a good time wherever they are. I miss you all. [BTW...this Kim Yu-Ho thing is starting to take hold here compliments of Angela and Jorelyn. Such good friends.]

2004-09-27T19:02:00.001-07:00

Sowwy!!!

I'll be posting up here once I get internet connection on my messed up computer. Turns out I'm not immune to computer viruses. But I do miss you guys. And I wish the best of luck to those who have just left for college...yeah my UC Davis and LA kids. [there might be more...but I'm still kinda lost.]

2004-09-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna miss so many people.

No correct that. I do miss people. Like right now.

Dang-nabit! I hate this feeling. Come back!!!!

2004-09-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well Chillen's I'm home.

I've been back for about 3 days now. I really have missed San Diego. In the past three days::
I've been to In-n-out about 3 times, and that sadly isn't surprising. [One time for breakfast/lunch]
Been to the beach once but it was a bonfire..I was confused and forgot bonfires were at beaches, as you can see here. This is what jet lag does to you..
And went to the school 2 times.
Had a Krispy Kreme dinner.
Figured out my room switch, so now I'm with Angela!!! Yay!
Talked about religion with Jor while swinging has happened. [She will be "In the Closet"]
WatchedHarold and Kumar while making out with XD in the theater.

There's more, but that's all classified information.

Call me up if you need me. IM for my cell number. There are crazy stalkers out there, so I'm scared of posting it. They have come for me once, and I'm not letting it happen again.

2004-08-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

Comin' Back Home

I'm coming back. Yes it's true. This may be my last post during this trip to Taiwan. I will be back the night of the 29th. So that means that I will probably see some of you during September. For those of you whom have already left me, I will try my best to find time to see ya'll.

In retrospect, this trip was mostly good. I hope that all of you will have an open mind when you go to any foreign country. Do not spend your time comparing and patronizing the culture or people. I went to the National Palace Museum, where they had an exhibit on the Emperor's belongings. So there were numerous large placards with Chinese written on the top and English on the bottom. My cousins were kind of fooling around and one bumped into the placard. So the man next to me said "stupid girl". Like my cousins dont understand. Then he started talking to the girl that understood Chinese and English. Eventhough...she was FOB for sure. And she tells him that we're probable practicing our English. And he says...do you think they understand??? Oh man. I didn't say anything to him, but I sure did have a few things on my mind.

What gives a stranger any right to call anyone stupid? No matter what kind of "superior" country you come from, you are an ambassador of some sort for your country. Set a good example. Please. And don't assume that just because I have an Asian face that I cannot understand English, I don't assume that just because you have a "white" face that you do not understand Chinese. You travel to another country, and it's like the whole civil rights...open minded-ness...equality...all that just goes out the window.

Just try not to be ignorant. It's not that hard.

2004-08-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

I wish I could forget a lot of things. Strengths can easily become flaws. Remembering everything that happens, often becomes a grudge that I hold against myself. How weird and stupid is that?

I don't know what's wrong. It seems like almost everything feels wrong. It's like there's this whole that hasn't been filled. I feel as if I'm too dependent on others that I care about. Too dependent on what they think of me, how they feel about what I do, who I am. This fear of abandonment makes me feel so helpless that I want to always feel needed or wanted...well atleast appreciated by those who I love the most.

Then I have this problem of remembering every wrong a person has done to me. I forgive, but I can't forget. Now why the heck would anyone want to do that to themselves? Why can't I just forget? I start to live in my memories instead of in the present, and that's just pointless. I mean I often get into my memories so much, that those same feelings come right back. It's like I'm watching a movie, and no matter how many times I've seen it, I relive it each time.

There's good and bad memories though. I guess lately I've just been choosing the wrong ones to focus on.

2004-08-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Take me Home....Country Road

I think I have a bad case of the homesickness blues. *sniff* I miss home. I really doo. Just the simple things, and the ability to see everyone. I'm missing stuff like, saying good bye to Meg Joel and all the other people who are going to anything not UC-related, and stuff like wishing Mel a Happy Birthday the right way [and not indirectly through Joel]. I already missed the Orchie Bonfire. Some of the freedoms I used to have kinda went out the window.

Of course I'm not saying that life here is horrible. It's different and marvelous in its own way, but I miss home. Well for me, tomorrow is Sunday. So I will talk to you all when I get back. Make sure you send me lotsa love when I do get back because I've been deprived of San Diego luvin' for a long long time. [Me love you long time! haha...ok that was lame]

Miss you guys soooooooo much! Oh..and if you want anything, let me know please. It's hard thinking of things to buy when you don't know what the person wants.

2004-08-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

I just watched Lost in Translation. All I have to say is...Scarlett Johansson is way hot, and Bill Murray comes in a close second. Sorta.

The movie makes me think a lot about culture shock and other weird things like that. It makes me think about the differences I see here and in the US. I never used to notice this kind of stuff because...well I just didn't. But I must say that the rain here is great. There's so much rain, and I don't get sick of it. It just reminds me of good times and makes me feel cozy.

"I'm singing in the rain!"

2004-08-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

Arggghhh

You think that DVD's are the only thing that can be pirated?? Haha. You must not know too many asian people. I have seen everything imaginable be copied. You have fake name brands, fake cartoon characters. Pirated everything. The real pirates don't look like Orlando Bloom, they are those little asian dudes who drive the little cars. And to that I must say "Arggghhh".

Haha. Independence is good. Savor it while it lasts. I don't get much here. I's a girl.